PHILADELPHIA — Researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed the average American punk consumes a half-dozen cigarettes in their sleep throughout the year, according to a recent study that has many people panicking.
“Our team had heard plenty of anecdotal evidence—people waking up on squat couches with a few darts missing from the pack, crusties nodding off at the bus station with a lit cig and waking up without it, that sort of thing,” said Dr. Anette Oberling, lead author of the study Nocturnal Carcinogen Consumption Habits in Punk Subcultures. “Only after controlling for variables like trading smokes for rides, fishing loosies out of venue ashtrays, and simple misplacement could we confirm that, in fact, some of these cigarettes are being unconsciously ingested.”
Local punks had mixed reactions when confronted with the findings.
“I don’t know, I guess it makes sense,” said Scott “Thump” Adams. “Sometimes I’ll wake up and my breath smells a little ashy or I’ll have some brown stuff in my teeth, but I always figured that came from not brushing for the past couple of years. I suppose I should be disgusted, but honestly man, a lot is coming together about some of the mornings I’ve had.”
Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company CEO Robin Summers, which owns the American Spirit cigarette brand, was forced to issue a response.
“In light of these findings, our company would like to strongly emphasize that our product is not meant to be chewed, swallowed, or similarly consumed,” said Summers while simultaneously approving advertisements aimed at teenagers. “Eating one of our cigarettes is a poor way to enjoy the smooth, organic taste of our American-grown tobacco, especially if one is unconscious at the time. We suggest that you partake while fully alert and willing to spend more on a new pack at the bodega.”
The study’s conclusion insists more research is necessary, but also made a point of describing that a measurable percentage of the punks involved seemed to gain essential calories and nutrients from consuming the cigarettes that were otherwise missing from their diet.