FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Local graphic designer Eddy Dignan adopted a grueling schedule of listening to songs and artists in order to game the Spotify Wrapped statistics to make it look like he prefers much “cooler” music, confirmed sources who helped him curate a playlist.
“Last year was an absolute embarrassment. My top band was Sum 41, my top song was ‘Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous’ by Good Charlotte, and my Audio Aura was ‘impotent divorcee.’ When I shared it everyone just laughed at me, my mom even blocked me on Instagram,” said Dignan while checking to make sure Militarie Gun’s “All Roads Lead to the Gun” played silently on repeat while he slept. “It’s not going to happen again this year. For the next four weeks I’m going to listen to at least six hours of Turnstile a day, I don’t even like the band, but everyone else in the world loves them so I figure it’s a safe bet. I have three of my old iPhones logged into my account playing Dinosaur Jr. and Jawbreaker songs just to make it look like I have a wide variety of musical tastes.”
Dignan’s roommate Tom Cappellini is supportive of the endeavor and has been helping out whenever he can.
“If people think my roommate is a dork that listens to terrible music, then they might think the same about me. I’m here for Eddy. If one of his phones dies, I’ll be there to plug it in. I’m constantly listening to ‘Axe to Grind’ so I can give him new music suggestions, and if any cool bands are playing in Boston I’ll go with him to snap a photo so he can post it,” said Cappellini. “At the end of the day Eddy is a good guy, it’s not his fault that he thinks the new Blink-182 song is their ‘best one yet.’ Some people are just born with bad ears for this stuff.”
Spotify executives are well aware that many users are trying to alter their listening patterns at the last minute to manipulate their Wrapped.
“Cowards. That’s the only word I have for them. If Lou Bega is your favorite artist then fucking live with it. Don’t sit around Googling ‘cool punk bands’ and pretending you listening to 600 hours of their music you little fucking twerp,” said Spotify Director Mona Sutphen. “If we see any suspicious activity on accounts then we will throw out the last four weeks of data and you will be stuck having to show everyone how much late-era Weezer you actually listen to. These people make me physically ill. I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire.”
At press time, Dignan was creating hundreds of fake Instagram accounts in order to increase engagement on nine photos that didn’t include his ex-girlfriend.