SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Elder millennial Connor Allison suffered an existential crisis upon realizing the actor playing a “geriatric old fart” in one of his favorite ‘80s movies was only 37 during filming, sources looking into Botox confirmed.
“My date and I were chatting about a movie we both loved when we were kids. But we couldn’t remember the name of the character actor that played the creepy old guy that lives near the old mill, so I looked him up on IMDB. That’s when I saw it. He was just 37. A full seven months younger than me now,” said Allison. “I’m not sure if it’s because I was a kid then or what, but it turns out every single actor from the past that I thought of as having one foot in the grave is roughly my age now. Hell, even Mama freakin’ Fratelli was just 17 years older than me in ‘The Goonies.’ I can’t actually be old, I don’t even know how to tie a tie.”
‘80s actor Kris J. Howell offered his two cents on why actors in the past looked so much more “mature.”
“Unlike the current crop of Hollywood snowflakes, back then we didn’t have plastic surgeries, personal trainers, or even a basic understanding of the four food groups. But we did have cocaine. Just fucking mounds of it right there on every catering table. What? You think somebody sober came up with the idea of inserting David Bowie and his massive codpiece into ‘Labyrinth’?” said Howell. “Maybe eating red meat with a pack of Marlboros for dessert every meal might explain why I started getting typecast as grizzled longshoreman by the time I turned 14, but I wouldn’t trade those magical LA nights doing lines off of Rue Mcclachanan’s tits for anything.”
Self-proclaimed Hollywood insider Paris Blackwood provided her own theory on how actors stay looking young.
“One particularly ludicrous theory is that stars such as Jennifer Lopez receive infant blood transfusions administered by the Illuminati. But obviously, that’s absurd, as the Illuminati does not exist. At Least not anymore after they all got wiped out by the lizard people living inside the earth’s core,” said Blackwood. “Since then the Lizard People have been able to more efficiently provide Hollywood with baby blood. That means Sam Jackson will be making Marvel movies well into his 100s.”
At press time, Allison is having a full-blown panic attack upon learning the average age an MLB player retires.