FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Tortured Metaphor merch guy and badass road-warrior Todd Sanderson was quite clear last night that he has no authority whatsoever to give you a discount on a $25 T-shirt, and likely wouldn’t, even if he could, witnesses confirmed.
“The band needs money from T-shirts so they can put gas in the van and drive to the next city,” Sanderson said when reached for comment. “The line was backing up to four fucking people deep while I tried to explain the basic tenets of economics to that kid. The shirt is $25 — that isn’t out of the ordinary.”
Security footage confirmed that none your constant pleading, fit throwing, subtle flirting, overt flirting, drug offers, aggressive winking, or shameless crying weakened Sanderson’s resolve, as the merch-slinger remained cross-armed, stone-faced, and unimpressed.
“I’ve seen it all at this point,” said Sanderson. “If I came down to where you worked and cried in your face, would you give me a discount? For the sake of the people who hired you, I sure as hell hope not.”
Jason Bustamante, a longtime professional roadie and highly regarded merch expert, empathized with Sanderson’s uncomfortable situation.
“Oh, yeah — I’ve heard some creative demands for discounts over the years,” he said. “People claim they left their cash in their other shoe, or the plasma center won’t let them donate more than once a month, or some shit like that. One time, a guy told me he couldn’t pay full price because the drugs he planned to sell at the show ended up being fake. It’s like, ‘That’s great, but it doesn’t change the price of a shirt, dude.’”
Witnesses reported they could see Sanderson grow more impatient about your bullshit by the moment.
“I thought the merch guy was going to hop over the table and start throwing elbows, to be honest,” said Tortured Metaphor fan Taylor Switzer. “When I overheard [you] say, ‘I need this money to buy three more drinks,’ and ‘I have the band’s faces tattooed on my ass,’ I knew things were bubbling over. Thankfully, some really sweaty guy cut in front of everyone and bought a 7” to diffuse everything.”
At press time, more people reported being stuck behind you at Taco Bell after the show, where you were “taking for-fucking-ever” to order a burrito.