PITTSBURGH — Local tenant Bob Kasah was shocked to find his child was painted over in his sleep by his completely spatially and situationally unaware landlord, neighboring sources with beige carpeting confirmed.
“I just don’t know how a mistake like this is made. At least take the time to tape over the kid before you start painting,” Kasah said as he gave his two year old another diluted turpentine bath. “My nine year old is just finally looking normal after being power-washed while playing solitaire on the deck six months ago. His eyebrows finally grew back in, and now this. I’m willing to forgive all of the random holes drilled into the crown molding for no fucking reason, but assaulting a sleeping toddler with a commercial paint roller is absolutely unacceptable.”
Kasah’s landlord Brett Lapelusa denies such claims, stating that his tenant had plenty of time to prepare for the scheduled maintenance.
“I told him that we were going to paint the second bedroom between the end of next week and December, which gave Bob plenty of time to adjust nap schedules and move furniture,” said Lapelusa while walking into the neighboring apartment with a tank of off-brand toxic bug spray. “If they don’t want their kids painted over, along with their old photo albums and family quilt, then they shouldn’t have been within eight feet of any of the walls.”
Local property management expert Aubrey Long weighed in on the controversy.
“From a business perspective, a good tenant is worth their weight in gold, but good landlords simply don’t exist,” said Long. “Mr. Kasah has every right to be upset, but he needs to know that his landlord is only legally obligated to give a half-hearted apology. Incidents like this will happen again, and an ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is the most a tenant should expect. Flippant incidents of wanton personal property destruction will be plenty. It’s all explained in the Certified Apartment Management training.”
At press time, Kasah was seen trying to file a renter’s insurance claim for the missing foundation to his tool shed that Lapelusa was “borrowing.”