WASHINGTON — Leaders within the Democratic National Committee are furious that President Joe Biden took action in a way that somewhat helped disadvantaged citizens, a DNC spokesperson stated.
“Our organization holds only one principle dear- not being Republicans. To suggest that we represent anything beyond that is dangerous and sets unreasonable expectations,” stated DNC Chair Jaime Harrison, who is recruiting Hollywood celebrities Sean Penn and Whoopie Goldberg to help temper any fears of further action. “Joe Biden went against our mission when he signed an executive order, which he should never ever do. It’s a dangerous slippery slope. What if people expect us to do a second good thing? We’re in deep shit now.”
President Joe Biden seemed confident in his decision to alleviate up to $20,000 in student loan debt.
“Listen, pal— you bet your ass that I eliminated that fraction of student loan debt with a swipe of a pen. Now most people will only be in debt for 72 years after graduation instead of 72.5. And there’s no telling what I may do next,” stated a defiant Biden when asked about the program. “Seriously, I have no idea what I may do next. I could eliminate unnecessary imperialistic military bases. I could invite the Harlem Globetrotters for Tater Tot Tuesday. Or I might finally track down Corn Pop and finish the job with my switchblade. Yeah, when you’re the President, you can bring a switchblade into the White House. It makes everyone really nervous.”
Democratic voters were startled and confused by the announcement that they might benefit from something elected officials were directly responsible for.
“I don’t get it. For years they’ve been telling us that they can’t do anything until they have the White House, a supermajority in the House & Senate, 9 Justices on the Supreme Court, and the Hale-Bopp comet to be visible to the naked eye,” said Jennie Potts, lifelong Democratic voter. “But right now they only have the White House and a soft House majority. Are you telling me that they actually can do things? Are my representatives just lollygagging despite pleading constantly for my donations and votes? I’m sorry, but nothing makes sense anymore.”
Upon hearing accusations of socialism for forgiving such a paltry amount of student loan debt, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ head exploded.