PORTLAND — Local man Dave Hart decided to take the initiative and saturate himself with copious amounts of beer prior to the show he’ll be attending tonight, having been repeatedly wetted by people’s beverages while seeing bands play in the past.
“It’s better to just get this out of the way now so I can get used to the sticky feeling and bad smell,” said Hart while pouring out a can of PBR over his head, the golden stream cascading down his chin onto his shirt. “Plus, people tend to avoid you when you show up all wet. If all goes according to plan then nobody will bump into me and I’ll only be mildly damp by the time the headliner goes on while everyone else is getting absolutely blasted by spilled beer. I might even fill up the bathtub with a keg next time to make sure I’m fully soaked, at a fraction of the cost!”
While sympathetic to his approach, Hart’s roommate Steve Ossoff feels that he’s going to extreme lengths and ruining the experience for himself and others.
“Yeah, he took my six-pack out of the fridge and just started dousing himself with them one after the other right in the middle of the kitchen,” said Ossoff. “Dave could have done it outside on the deck or brought the kiddie pool we use to wash the dog inside and stood in that, but no. Instead I ended up slipping in the puddle of body beer and tweaked my wrist really bad. I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make, if he doesn’t want people to spill shit on him then just stand in the back and stop wasting all my alcohol.”
Rex Nelson, a bartender working at different punk venues for several years, thinks this behavior detracts from business and the overall vibe of the atmosphere.
“When people cover themselves head to toe in beer at home instead of waiting until they get here, our sales really take a hit,” explained Nelson. “Like, you‘re just being stingy to pre-game by drenching yourself in beer rather than forking over a few dollars to have a sip or two before someone smashes into you and everything ends up on someone else’s pants. It’s totally antithetical to why anyone buys drinks at shows in the first place, which is to slop it onto some random person as you try to get past and in turn get it spilled onto yourself.”
At press time, Hart was seen in the parking lot rubbing trash juice onto his upper lip to prepare himself for the smell of the venue bathroom.
Photo by Jana Miller.