WASHINGTON — Congress signed a last-minute funding measure to narrowly avoid a government shutdown today after a crowd gathered on Capitol Hill began chanting “one more bill,” confirmed sources worked up into a frenzy.
“We’ve got a lot on our plate this week, and members on both sides of the aisle are exhausted from the long hours we’ve spent in the same room as Ted Cruz,” said Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Hearing a rowdy group of enthusiastic Congress fans clamoring for one more bill in those final moments really carried us through to pass this stopgap solution. It takes a lot to get us to do something for our constituents, and tonight, the crowd really inspired us to give our voters a glimmer of false hope that we might actually deliver on our campaign promises.”
Arlene Brodsky, a member of the bustling crowd who proudly displays lawn signs saying “Everyone is Welcome in This House,” said the energy from the group grew more raucous and desperate as the deadline to fund the government loomed.
“I’ve been following Build Back Better since its early days, but this is my first time really seeing these guys live in action, and it was even more electrifying than I imagined,” Brodsky said, wearing a homemade tee-shirt declaring herself a ‘Joe Stanchin.’ “Obviously, I knew they wouldn’t get to every piece of legislation on my list of faves, but when I heard that they might be going home without passing Biden’s agenda or averting a shutdown, something changed in me. I don’t know if I started the chant or someone else did. It’s like we melded into one person as a crowd. It’s crazy how energized you can be when you’re in fear of the global economy collapsing and the social safety net dissolving.”
A staffer from Representative Josh Gottheimer’s office who wished to remain anonymous said that some aides were shocked to see the funding bill passed both the Senate and House.
“As a moderate, Josh is committed to blocking anything significant from getting to Biden’s desk,” the staffer explained. “But there’s something so powerful about an audience of people cheering you on. There were a few moments when they were reading parts of the bill on the floor, and they’d hold out the mic and let the crowd sing every other word for them. You could tell the Reps were absolutely eating it up. It makes you wonder how great they’d feel if they passed laws that make people’s lives easier. I know it sounds wild, but I’m going to definitely bring it up as an idea at our next campaign brainstorm for Gottheimer 2022.”
As of press time, Senator Sanders was showing a few members of the crowd how to carve a bong from the Senate gavel.