SALINA, Kan. — Local nut job and content creator specializing in lawn maintenance Jimmy Dooley is rumored to be the only person in America who supports the OnlyFans pornography ban, friends close to the amateur horticulturist confirmed.
“Taking care of a lawn is a full time job, and my expertise is a steal at $20 a month. I post at least five videos a week talking about the ideal grass length, pest control, or even how to deal with dog mess,” said Dooley, who heard about the site from his daughter. “I feel like now I’ll finally get the attention I deserve, but let me tell you something, there are a lot of perverts on that website. People subscribe, then send me angry messages about how I need to get on my John Deere and start pleasuring myself. Then they have the nerve to request chargebacks on my ‘Big Loads’ videos, which feature large loads of manure.”
Sex workers, many of whom rely on subscribers to make a living, questioned OnlyFans’ decision to ban the only profitable form of content on the platform.
“OnlyFans is making millions of dollars from porn, and now they think they can keep that gravy train going by promoting some idiot’s travel blog? I won’t be surprised when they come crawling back,” said Alyssa Andersen, who boasts being in the top 2% of OnlyFans creators. “I should have known something was going on when OnlyFans employees messaged me saying I should pivot my content to something less X-rated. One of them suggested I try making videos where I show off ‘thrift store finds’ and another recommended a video series where I show off my skin care routine. They honestly don’t realize people only use this site to see buttholes.”
CEO Tim Stokely says he is excited for more users to discover OnlyFans once it’s more family-friendly.
“Why go to Youtube and see something for free, when you could come to OnlyFans and see similar content for a fixed price per month?”asked Stokely. “We have some of the best creators in the world, and I’m sure our users that came to OnlyFans for pornography will find just as much excitement in people demonstrating the correct way to brush a horse and showing off their vintage action figures. We will certainly miss taking our 20% from all the creators who will no longer have a place on our site, but we simply can’t support that content. And I just want to remind those content creators that technically we own everything posted on this site, so don’t try posting it anywhere else.”
In the wake of the adult content ban, OnlyFans announced it would be starting its own OnlyFans account to make ends meet.