MUNICH — Luxury car manufacturer BMW will finally implement turn signals in all of their vehicles by 2022, according to a press release sent out earlier today.
“We are always looking to push the driving experience to the next level. It is in this spirit that we’re proud to announce that within the next two years, all of our vehicles will have state of the art ‘turn signals’ installed,” said BMW CEO Oliver Zipse. “Our drivers will now have the option to let other people know in which lateral direction they intend to move. Yes, this feature means the driver seat bidet will have to wait, but we believe it’ll be worth it.”
So far, current BMW owners’ have been lukewarm about the shift, feeling turn signals will devalue the brand.
“I bought a Beemer for one thing, and one thing only: to let everyone on the road that I’m better than them. It’s always been my assumption that when people see me coming down the road they’ll just get the hell out of my way,” said BMW owner Michael Staglioni of Marlboro, N.J. “Now I have to look at this extra ugly handle coming out of my steering wheel, like I’m some fucking clod? I might as well be driving a Toyota Corolla with all this shit cluttering my line of sight.”
The U.S. Department of Transportation celebrated the changes, but was cautious about the potential for change amongst BMW drivers’ habits.
“While we’re pleased that they’ve implemented this technology that has existed for more than 60 years, it may not be enough to curb the negative image BMW drivers have cultivated. We want to believe drivers will do the right thing, but for this type of driver, safe driving in one area will likely result in other negative behaviors,” said DOT spokesperson Roxy Brader. “We’re expecting, at minimum, an increase in drivers leaning on the horn one second after a light turns green, tailgating in the left hand lane while going 20 mph over the speed limit, and throwing fast food bags out of their windows.”
BMW also announced that by 2024, all of their vehicles will be able to be driven under 80 miles per hour.