VICE Mourns Closure of DIY Venue It Bought Out to Convert Into Employee Parking Lot

NEW YORK — VICE staff members were reportedly saddened by the recent closing of celebrated DIY space Huevos Ranch, which will be converted into a multiplatform employee parking lot for the alternative news source, according to sources.

“Huevos Ranch was the best and weirdest DIY venue in Brooklyn. But the city’s transformation into a series of BMW dealerships and multi-million dollar high rises is apparently more important,” remarked VICE contributor Gretchen Untermeyer-Bolin in her recent article, “Gentrification Destroys Another DIY Venue.”

Minutes after the article went live, VICE CEO & founder Shane Smith announced the construction of a new office in the same neighborhood as Huevos.

“With the unprecedented success of VICE Media, we’re expanding into a new, state-of-the-art facility that can meet our demands, complete with a 2,500 square foot parking lot. VICE will continue to defy the boundaries of cable television and parking spaces in an overcrowded New York City borough,” said Smith, sipping the last drops from a rare whiskey bottle once owned by Ernest Hemingway.

Longtime neighborhood residents were outraged by the quick demolition on their block and subsequent expansion of the multimedia conglomerate.

“This is total bullshit,” said Huevos Ranch tenant Sid “Spyder” Freeman over the noise of a construction crew already at work. “VICE wants to align themselves with struggling artists and small business owners, and meanwhile, they’re literally steamrolling over us. Shit — they just they knocked down the soundbooth into my bedroom,” he added.


VICE employees privately expressed sorrow while maintaining a silver lining.

“I saw my first punk show at Huevos when I moved to New York. I met some of my closest friends there,” said VICE Marketing Strategist Nea Abrams. “I’m sad to see it go, but that lot they’re constructing will be so convenient. That neighborhood has crazy alternate-side parking restrictions, and my Jetta will finally be safe from the sketchy streets of Williamsburg.”

Despite the mixed feelings at VICE, Smith remained confident they were making the right move. “In Huevos Ranch’s tradition of bending convention, we too will be unordinary. Right where the stage was, we’ll house the production vans for our fascinating new show about small-town politicians getting high for the first time. Also, Weed the People premieres this fall on VICEland.”

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Article by Zach LaRose @stayathomezach. Photo by Danny Krug.