FORT WORTH, Texas – A local anarchist stole and destroyed several pounds of gluten at an industrial bakery yesterday in a misguided, good-faith effort to “free gluten and end its oppression and persecution by the powers that be.”
Authorities have charged Gabe Hoffmeister, 24, with theft and destruction of property for ruining roughly 20 loaves of bread at a factory owned by Bimbo Bakeries USA. Workers report a bandana-wearing man ran into the distribution wing around 4 p.m., shouted “gluten liberation,” and sprinted away with an armful of finished bread taken from a palette.
“I speak for the gluten, because I’m pretty sure gluten has no tongue,” Hoffmeister told reporters. “I’m taking a stand for what I believe in. My 17 activist roommates at my housing co-op always talk about ‘gluten-free’ this and that, but they never do anything about it.”
Many Americans have removed gluten, a class of proteins present in wheat and other grains, from their diets in recent years for varying health reasons.
“Of course I did research beforehand,” said the gluten rights activist. “But I don’t get my questions answered from the internet. Too many lies there. I asked my housemate, Sky, where I could find gluten, and he said he thinks it’s in bread.”
“I must’ve spent 15 minutes outside of the factory, ripping up loaf after loaf, trying to get the gluten out. I never found any. That’s when the cops showed up,” added Hoffmeister.
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Authorities say they plan on letting Hoffmeister off easy this time around. Police Chief Joel Fitzgerald said the young radical would charged with one misdemeanor for both violations. “The lower limit for a felony destruction of property charge is $250. [Hoffmeister] did not reach that limit, because it’s, you know, bread,” Fitzgerald said.
“They’re forcing me to do community service, and that’s bullshit,” said the activist. “I was doing the community a fucking service already, dude.”
According to Hoffmeister, more days of activism lie ahead of him. “I can’t say too much, but I just learned about this Dallas factory that makes coats out of faux fur,” he said. “Those murderers should start thinking twice about what they’re doing, is all I’m saying.”
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