Man on Desert Island Never Got to Pick an Album

LOS ANGELES — Two sisters playing on Hermosa Beach found a message in a bottle earlier today, revealing the grim story of a man stranded without food, water, clothing, or his all-time favorite album.

“If you are reading this, please share my story,” the letter began. “I was sailing in the ocean, and my ship crashed. After days at sea I made my way to a small island. I’m surviving on bugs and rain water, but the days are long, and the nights are cold. I fear I won’t last much longer. Also, could anyone maybe airdrop a copy of Rocket to Russia by The Ramones? I can’t help but think having my favorite record would make this hellish experience more bearable. I’ll need a way to play it, too, please.”

The bottle was discovered by sisters Staci and Sophia Parks while enjoying a sunny day at the beach. Their mother, Angela Parks, read the letter and wasn’t sure the man had made the best choice.

Rocket to Russia? Are you serious?” said Ms. Parks. “You get one album out there, and you pick The Ramones? Shouldn’t you at least try to get Mania, or Weird Tales of the Ramones? Or is there a ‘no compilations’ thing going on here?”

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Word of the man’s plight spread quickly, prompting the government to dispatch a team of FEMA representatives to find and help the deserted author.

“We are gathering resources and plan to drop care packages in the area starting at 7 a.m. tomorrow,” said FEMA administrator William Fugate, “as soon as we decide whether he would enjoy Elliott Smith or Neutral Milk Hotel more.”

In addition to the survival kits, FEMA has deployed a ship with a crew hoping to combat the man’s certain loneliness.

“We’ve got Beyoncé, Taylor Swift and Scarlett Johansson in the vessel,” said Fugate. “Should they make contact, he will be allowed to choose between one as a lover, one as a wife … and, well, it’s probably best if I stop there.”

The only shirt you will need if you were stranded on a desert island:

Article by Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck.

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