FDA Issues Recall of 300 Tons of Raw Denim

NEW YORK — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled nearly 300 tons of raw denim earlier today after multiple reports from hipsters, fashionistas, and old-timey 19th-century prospectors of extreme chafing.

FDA official Sherri Choo briefed reporters this morning in a press conference. She confirmed the recall, which experts note is the largest since the San Jose Spandex Panic of 1986, was merely precautionary.

“I can confirm we had an isolated chafing incident in Lower Manhattan today,” said Choo. “But, thanks to the quick response from a joint FDA/Bloomingdale’s task force, we believe we have isolated the defective pallet of denim and removed it from the marketplace. I’d like to add that any raw denim outside of the recall’s scope is perfectly safe for human use.”

Mitchell Tiber, a sales associate at the popular Hiccup boutique, reassured customers that the recall is only a small setback in production.

“This raw denim was going to be used to produce four handmade pairs of jeans,” said Tiber. “We’ll gladly wait patiently for the next shipment. Hiccup takes denim chafe very seriously, and we do not want our loyal customer base of middle aged men who just bought one-of-a-kind motorcycles to feel we would ever put our profit ahead of their safety.”

Consumer advocate and leg-covering expert Jeff Hitman applauded the FDA’s quick response in taking the unwashed fabric off the market.

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“Raw denim isn’t something to play around with,” said Hitman. “The industry needs more regulation. Japan is flooding the market with overpriced denim, and someone is bound to get hurt by the stiffness of the fabric. When a bad batch comes through, those jeans can really chafe the hell out of you right in this area,” he added, making a sawing motion over his groin.

The FDA issued an additional statement to quell concerns about when the supply chain will return to normal.

“This recall covers only a small fraction of the denim produced every day,” the statement read. “We recommend any American in need of pants that fit like an old couch cushion go and purchase a pair of Dickies from a local Wal-Mart.”

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Article by Steven Kowalski @casimerkowalski.

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