Nardwuar Surprises Jesus with Original Ten Commandment Tablets

THE DESERT — Nardwuar, the Human Serviette, is a hyper cartoon character of a man known for his well-researched interviews and surprising his interviewees with items from their pasts. Throughout his long career, he has interviewed the likes of Geddy Lee, Snoop Dogg and Henry Rollins – but Nardwuar recently landed his biggest interview of all time, with a subject who has been silent for the last 2000 years.

The interview opened with Nardwuar thrusting the microphone into his guest’s face and asking, “Who are you?”, to which the bearded and gentle-eyed man responded, “I am He, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God.”

Jesus’ fanbase has swelled to billions in the last 2000 years and many people feel like the time is right for his return. Nardwuar jumped right into the interview asking Jesus about the prospects of a reunion tour.

“You know, man, I’ve really just been focusing on my carpentry but, when the time is right, I will come again,” Jesus responded.

Nardwuar had an assortment of gifts that he sprung upon Jesus throughout the interview. Things started out slowly, with Jesus not quite knowing what to make of a 7” from the Canadian hardcore group D.O.A., but He accepted it graciously anyway. However, the son of God’s level of excitement did grow as Nardwuar revealed each successive gift.

“Jesus of Nazareth, what can you tell the people about this?” Nardwuar excitedly asked as he held up the Shroud of Turin.

“No way!” Jesus exclaimed, “how did you get this?”

Nardwuar also gifted Jesus a first pressing of the Gutenberg Bible as well as gold, frankincense and myrrh, but there was one more large gift draped with a sheet behind Nardwuar left to be revealed.

“This is for you, Jesus of Nazareth. . . in mint condition, I present. . .the Ark of the Covenant!” Nardwuar said as he took off the sheet, revealing the sacred gold-plated chest that contains the original ten commandment tablets given to Moses. A wide-eyed Jesus gasped and said, “My dad is going to freak!”

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With that, the interview came to a close and Nardwuar delivered his trademark interview ending.

“Keep on rocking in the free world, and doot doola doot doo…”

Jesus smiled and replied “doot doo,” then added, “and peace be with you.”

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Article by Jeff Cardello and The Hard Times Staff.

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