Look, I’ll be the FIRST to tell you Alex Jones is fucking batshit insane, OK? Virtually none of the theories he makes up and yells at his sweaty, basement-dwelling audience make any sense. There’s realistically no reason I should trust anything associated with him and his website, infowars.com.
Or so I thought.
Three months ago my buddy Rick sent me a gag gift from Alex Jones’ store. It was some supplement called Brain Force Plus. Very funny, Rick. Good one. Obviously, I would never put some bullshit endorsed by this carny whack job in my body. But then one day I woke up feeling kinda groggy and figured, what the hell? I gave Brain Force Plus a shot, and you know what? That shit FUCKIN’ WORKED! I’ve started taking that stuff regularly and I CRUSHED my Chemistry midterm, just like those crisis relief actors CRUSHED playing their roles in the Sandy Hook thing.
Look, I’m as surprised as you, but Brain Force One is legit. So when I went back to the Infowars web store to reup my supply I bought myself some DNA Force and a thing of Occu Power too. You know, as a goof. Because there’s no way you should take Alex Jones seriously on stuff like this. I’m definitely not. He’s just a radio show host, he’s not a nutritionist.
Or so I thought.
HOLY SHIT. I could feel that DNA Force making little muscle microbials in my arms the moment I tried it! And that Occu Power pretty much gave me x-Ray vision. I mean, he’s been going off about how there’s fluoride in everything and how aspartame will kill you … .but, he’s not WRONG. Those aren’t great for you, right? Obviously, some of the stuff he says on his show is so insane. Like inter-dimensional aliens? Come on, dude. But at the same time, he’s got some interesting points on Building 7.
Related: Fake News Must Be Stopped Unless It Supports My Wildly Inaccurate and Misinformed Beliefs
And OK, I’ll admit to spending $500 on a three month supply of Infowars Life Select Food Rations. Jones says they are designed to be used in case a war for natural resources has lead to globalists dividing the truth-tellers, giving rise to the demons. I obviously don’t believe any of that, but I thought Instagramming the food rations would be funny. I’m sure Rick would get a kick out it.
Don’t get me wrong, Alex Jones is definitely crazy. He’s always yelling like he’s cutting a wrestling promo and pretending to cry about chem-trails turning frogs gay.
BUT if the globalists really do merge with machines and come to devour my children, I will be SET in the bunker I’m building under my house. And I’ll be damned if he doesn’t have the supplement game down on lock.