If Alcohol Is So Bad for You Why Can’t I Function Without It?

All day long I hear people complaining about how bad alcohol is. How it destroys families and makes you shit your pants at your girlfriend’s parents house on Christmas Eve, and blah blah blah.

Sure, the mainstream media and my recently estranged family would have you BELIEVE that excessive alcohol consumption is deadly, but in my experience I’ve found just the opposite.

If alcohol is so bad then why can’t I function without it?

The moment I stop drinking I fall victim to a long list of ailments. There’s shaking, cold sweats, anxiety, and insomnia that often kick in the morning after I had my last drink. Not to mention the headaches and nausea, and alcohol has been the only thing that provides any relief.

All of these ailments are alleviated as long as I have a drink on hand every six hours or so. I’ve looked into various over the counter medications but I hear those things can be pretty addictive and I don’t want to go down that path.

Related: Just Because I Don’t Drink Anymore Doesn’t Mean I Have to Stop Puking in Ubers

 

And it’s not just me. For 30 years my Uncle George engaged in heavy, capillary-bursting, hand sanitizer-guzzling drinking. Under a doctor’s orders, my uncle was told to slowly wean himself off alcohol in a controlled environment or he would die. Well, we don’t use words like “wean” or “controlled” in this family, so he went cold turkey and died two days later.

Not drinking KILLS.

So get out of my face you know-nothing “doctors.” From now on I’ll take my advice from REAL professionals like Captain Morgan, Sailor Jerry, and Don Juli- oh my God I’m gonna puke.

Cash in your scene points for Hard Times merch! Wait, I meant money. Use your money:


Article by Dom Turek @dom_and_dahmer


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