LONDON–The “Great American Baking Show” came to an ignoble end after a record-shattering sixth mass-shooting struck the Pinewood lot in a short timespan, traumatized sources confirmed.
“We really wanted to make the American bakers feel at home here in England. The contestants’ benefits were slashed, free healthcare was not provided, Lawrence Fox and Piers Morgan were blared on constant rotation in our rooms, and the usually strict laws around gun ownership in the UK were relaxed,” revealed producer Clark Davis. “The last thing we’d want is for the contestants to feel like they weren’t getting an experience that matched the one they were used to across the Pond. But unfortunately, with that came the completely avoidable repeated tragedy of mass shooting after mass shooting. Madmen armed to the teeth coming to our peaceful tent to ‘make a statement’ or some deranged rubbish. At this rate, our insurance is so high that we can’t even afford a single minute of filming. ”
Laurie Smith, one of the contestants on the now-final season, was surprisingly upbeat and even optimistic.
“We assumed by ‘make you feel at home’ they meant they’d provide an Applebee’s or a Big Lots, but I do have to say that the discarded bottles of Oxy were a nice touch, and having every room stocked with a pair of complementary assault rifles reminds me of my lovely trip through Florida last year,” said Smith while wrapped in a blanket in the back of an ambulance. “Frankly, the only surprise is that it’s all coming to a close. You’d think after the third or fourth, people would just accept that this would be a part of daily life by now.”
Cohost Paul Hollywood was tragically injured during the gunfire, but was able to provide a brief interview.
“The bullet that obliterated my shin was well-manufactured and constructed in the spirit of the round, that the shooter’s aim was stodgy and half-baked, and the hollow-point itself was a disappointing, soggy-bottomed pop rather than a burst of spicy flavor and shrapnel that was to be expected,” said Hollywood from his hospital bed. “Ultimately the challenge was a disappointment, and I frankly expected a higher standard at this point in the show.”
When approached for comment, Parliament blamed the EU’s lax immigration standards, and Congress suggested introducing prayer into all British schools.