BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children,…
KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses…
PUEBLO, Colo. — Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of…
DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in…
AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy…
WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of…
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report. “I don’t…
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound…
SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was…
BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local metalhead Devon Kingsley is reportedly still feeling a slight sense of euphoria after receiving $6.66 back from a purchase he made…
CINCINNATI — Metalhead Tim Grant took off his glasses, let down his ponytail, and shook his hair out, only to look slightly worse than before,…