Jennifer Donovan
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September 5, 2025
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues…
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Kal Perry
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July 23, 2025
LOS ANGELES — Local 34-year-old Meris Johnson reportedly stares at her phone for hours at a time in the morning…
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Matt Husser
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July 6, 2025
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his…
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Alex Vlahov
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May 30, 2025
As if the world wasn’t already falling apart, now you can add the microplastics piling up in your brain to…
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CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes known…
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Holden Klym
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April 18, 2025
Look, I’m not one to complain. For the past sixty years, I’ve been a proud American who’s enjoyed exactly two…
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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind…
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DALLAS — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control raised warning flags about a new strain of Hulkamania found in…
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Tim Sheard
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March 31, 2025
New insurance means finding a new PCP. Thankfully, my roommate Kaleb took an online holistic sound-bath course and really knows…
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Dom Turek
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January 30, 2025
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting…
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