WASHINGTON — Onlookers at the traditional Thanksgiving White House turkey pardoning ceremony were left unsurprised today after President Trump attempted to sneak his own name…
LOS ANGELES — A heartbroken nation looked on with remorse this afternoon as reports tragically confirmed that the wrong game show host had died early…
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — The coronavirus, the cause of a worldwide pandemic that has killed over one million people thus far, endorsed President Trump…
NEW YORK — A visibly desperate and agitated President Donald Trump loaded his IMI Desert Eagle handgun today and travelled to Manhattan’s 5th Ave. to…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local voter Martin Frost does not actually want video game character Waluigi to be president, despite writing him in under “president” on…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump once again stoked fear yesterday by warning U.S. citizens that “Antifa terrorists will hide voter fraud in your children’s Halloween…
WASHINGTON — Researchers have discovered that the origin of the “fake news” phenomenon stretches all the way back to 2002, when your friend Dennis McNulty…
CLEVELAND — Moderators for 2020’s first Presidential debate reportedly added a question regarding an issue that’s been hotly contested since the early/mid-2000s: What defines “real”…
BEDMINSTER, N.J. — President Trump has appointed the once-popular 90s alt-rock band Spin Doctors to lead the country’s coronavirus task force, during an impromptu press…
WASHINGTON — RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel announced today that the fourth night of the Republican National Convention will feature wall-to-wall advertising from their new exclusive…
WASHINGTON — Former Donald Trump advisor Steve Bannon was arrested yesterday on charges of reportedly devouring skiers at the bottom of a ski resort for…
WASHINGTON — A broken and sobbing Eric Trump choked down a seventh consecutive can of Goya beans this morning after a week of publicly binging…
RIVERTON, Wyo. — Avid Mass Effect fan Martin Shore plans to opt out of voting in the upcoming 2020 presidential election, citing skepticism that his…
WASHINGTON — President Trump’s experimental use of the anti-malarial drug Hydroxychloroquine has transformed the Commander-in-Chief from a boorish, morbidly obese, whiny turd into the suave…
Opinion: The Virus Doesn’t Care What Race You Are, but the Government Does so Some of You Are Fucked
Opinion: The Virus Doesn’t Care What Race You Are, but the Government Does so Some of You Are Fucked
All people must unify now! Dammit, this virus doesn’t care what your race is! It will harm you and your loved ones indiscriminately. The United…