Black Flag is a legendary band people love to lie about listening to. Every indie artist name-drops them as an influence, and it’s all for cred. Only like eight people actually listen to Black Flag for enjoyment and you’re in luck because I’m one of them and I’m ranking their discography for you.
7. Family Man (1984)
There are people who claim this album is good. There are also people who say mushrooms on pizza are delicious. I don’t believe either group. You have to sit through 15 minutes of Henry Rollins’ solo abstract ramblings while he was still about 20 years from learning how to tell a story well. And when the music finally starts, it’s not much better. Henry talks over one 9-minute track, then the rest are instrumental jams. Not my cup of hardcore. But the album artwork goes pretty fucking hard, so it deserves credit for that. If you feel the need to buy this one, keep it hung up on the wall. Framed. You’re not a teenager anymore, get a goddamn frame.
Play It Again: the album artwork
Skip It: the music
6. What The… (2013)
Ah, the reverse “Family Man.” “What The…” has artwork so bad, it makes you hate the music more than maybe you should. The artwork is fucking pixelated. And stupid. But the music? It sounds like a fairly competent Black Flag tribute act. In keeping with late Black Flag tradition, the production is shit. Ron Reyes actually sounds pretty lively here, but it’s not enough to sustain interest over the course of twenty-two (22!!!!!) songs. I swear I like this band and will start complimenting them soon, but oof- they sure have laid some turds for me to sift through.
Play It Again: “It’s So Absurd” and “Go Away” are surprisingly decent
Skip It: letting your eyes focus on that bootleg South Park-ass artwork too long
5. In My Head (1985)
If I had a time machine, I would first go back to dropkick the fuck out of Baby Hitler. But my second stop would definitely be 1985 so I could give Greg Ginn a goddamned guitar tuner. Am I losing my mind or are most of the guitar parts here out of tune? Holy shit, nothing sounds right. Maybe it’s some artistic statement against sterile, perfect ‘80s music production trends. Or perhaps I have horseradish and gravel in my ears (very possible). The production is just ugly and not in a cool way, which is a shame because some of the songs on the second half are great. Other tracks have these circling guitar lines that make me physically feel nauseous which is neat as a party trick, but bad as a full album experience.
Play It Again: “In My Head” and “Drinking and Driving” are some of the best latter-day Flag songs
Skip It: “I Can See You” sounds like a kid at Guitar Center practicing their scales through a 100-watt Marshall amplifier. Truly harrowing.
4. Slip It In (1983)
Let’s get this out of the way, the title track which opens the album is pretty gross. I don’t even really know what it’s trying to say. I think it’s slut-shaming? Or coercing? Who knows, I’ve already spent more time thinking about this song than it deserves. The artwork is similarly icky and features a pre-”King of the Hill” Hank Hill as the leg. Thankfully, things improve significantly after the opener and the rest of the album is quintessential Black Flag.
Play It Again: If you don’t like “Black Coffee”, I don’t think you really like punk
Skip It: the title track, yikes
3. Loose Nut (1985)
Throughout 1984 and 1985, Black Flag would release five albums. I’ll say it- that’s too many albums. But somehow, “Loose Nut’ (the fourth of the five) doesn’t find the band fatigued at all. Bassist Kira Roessler crushes it all over this album, which she was doing to pass the time until she could go and win multiple Emmy awards for editing. I’m not lying- go look it up, then feel like shit about what you’ve done with your life. I know I do.
Play It Again: “Modern Man”
Skip It: “This Is Good” would have benefitted from another attempt at that guitar solo
2. My War (1984)
I’ve been ragging on Black Flag pretty hard throughout this ranking for questionable artistic choices. But to be honest, a lot of those decisions required risk and vulnerability. “My War” is one situation where it all panned out successfully. The gang brought an artfulness that could have easily been way too pretentious, but “My War” always thrashes. Things slow down on the back half yet it still kicks all kinds of butthole. And the album artwork terrorized a generation of kids to be afraid of hand puppets. Ok I just made that last fact up but it could be true, I don’t know.
Play It Again: “Scream” which inspired hundreds of thousands of inferior bands
Skip It: “Can’t Decide” has a weird “Baby Shark”-esque quality I can’t really put my finger on
Honorable Mention: The First Four Years (1983)
This collection comprises the singles and EPs released by Black Flag before their debut album “Damaged.” It fucking rules. “Nervous Breakdown” and “Jealous Again” are two of the greatest punk songs of all time. This compilation rules so hard that I wanted to place this at number one. But my editor said “It’s a compilation, not a record, so don’t you fucking dare try to place it in number one or I’ll sneak into your apartment and take a shit in your pillowcases then squeeze the shit log from the outside of the pillowcase so it gets ground into the fabric and is really hard to clean” and folks, I don’t want to clean shit out of my pillowcases.
Play It Again: the whole album
Skip It: shitting in my pillowcases
1. Damaged (1981)
Maybe you thought we were going to be contrarian and put “My War” at the top of the list. Or alienate everyone we love and go with “What The…” but nope. Damaged is a cornerstone of early hardcore for a reason- it fucking rules. Almost overnight, regular Hard Times joke target Henry Rollins went from being the manager of a Häagen-Dazs in D.C. to singing as frontman of punk legends who hadn’t even released a full album yet. His sincerity and energy are on full display here and it works. Oh boy, does it work. In fact, I smashed my glass of iced tea while relistening to it just now and I’m still bleeding but I won’t do anything about it until the album ends.
Play It Again: everything here is a banger
Skip It: seriously, don’t shit in my pillowcase