Hegseth Prays for Blessing From Boondock Saints
WASHINGTON — In light of mounting pressure from several global conflicts, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth led top Pentagon officials in prayer seeking blessings from The Boondock Saints, Pentagon insiders confirm. “Alright, I’m g…
Has Technology Gone Too Far? AI Just Came for This Guy’s Job as Well as His Wife, Kids, and Assets
First, it came for Aaron Blake’s software developer job. Then it confiscated his wife and children. And if that wasn’t enough, AI just came for… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Mom Gently Explains to Son Tooth Fairy Is Just Metaphor for How State Extracts Value From Your Body
Rattail Artfully Tucked Into Collar for Interview
PORTLAND, Ore. — Prospective job candidate Colin Hartnell artfully tucked his lustrous rattail beneath his shirt collar before his first interview at Fred Meyers, a… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Mamdani’s Luxury Property Tax Forcing More Billionaires To Choose Between Clone Organ Harvesting or Private Gladiatorial Arenas
NEW YORK — NYC’s wealthiest property owners are expressing growing concern today as Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s new pied-à-terre tax is forcing more of them to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It
Trump to Guest Star on Upcoming Episode of “The Pitt”
BURBANK, Calif — President and part-time actor Donald Trump will make a guest appearance on an upcoming episode of medical drama “The Pitt”, according to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Mega Man Gains Ability To Rap After Defeating Method Man
STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Local video game protagonist Mega Man gained the ability to rap after defeating Wu-Tang Clan member Method Man, confirmed sources who had previously witnessed the hero beat the ever-living shit out of Michelin Man. “I had…
Trust Fund Hipsters Return To Ancestral Coachella Grounds to Mate
INDIO, Cali. – As the sun broke over the mountains of the Coachella Valley this…
12-Year-Old Audiophile Insists Weird Al Sounds 'Warmer' On Vinyl
ALBUQUERQUE — Local 12-year-old audiophile Jimmy Johanson reportedly insists that famed accordion virtuoso “Weird Al”…
Marky Ramone Announces Ramones Reunion Show With Hologram Joey Ramone, Hologram Johnny Ramone, Hologram Dee Dee Ramone
BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, N.Y. — Ramones drummer Marky Ramone announced an upcoming reunion show that will…
Dave Mustaine Reveals He Only Gave His Life to Jesus Christ After Every Other Deity Rejected Him
LA MESA, Calif. — Megadeth frontman and born again Christian Dave Mustaine revealed that he…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…