Chipotle Worker Shot After Impeding Ice Agent’s Investigation of Lunch
MINNEAPOLIS — Blake Clansmyn, an agent with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), allegedly shot a worker at Chipotle who impeded his investigation into lunch, sources report. “I walked into Chipotle and immediately initiated a…
Historian Discovers Sternly Worded Letter Chuck Schumer’s Ancestor Sent to Genghis Khan
BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal” to the invading Mongols, asking… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
AI Enters Race for ‘Sexiest Person Alive’ Citing Data Centers So Hot They Literally Can Not Cool Down
Trump Claims Entire State of Minnesota Is Paid Actors
WASHINGTON — In the wake of recent protests and upheaval in the American Great Lakes region, President Trump claimed today that the entire population of… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Erika Kirk Takes Quiet Moment To Mourn With Only Six Confetti Cannons
PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources. “I… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram
Heroic ICE Agent Recovering in Hospital After Near-Fatal Jerk Sesh
MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Jonathan Davis Hired to Teach CIA Agents How to Control Bullets Through Scatting
LANGLEY, Va. — The CIA hired Korn frontman Jonathan Davis to teach operatives how to control bullets through scatting following the President's chance viewing of the “Freak on a Leash” music video, frustrated and tired sources confirmed. “We were looking…
Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram
LOS ANGELES — The Ronnie James Dio hologram created by digital holography production company Eyellusion…
Bob Weird Dead at 78, According To Autocorrect
SAN FRANCISCO — Bob Weird, a founding member of the Grateful Dead, died at age…
Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local disturbed man took bankgoers hostage and threatened to execute one…
Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set
ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…