Record Store Owners’ Union to Vote on Whether Ghost Albums Belong in Metal Section
AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the Record Store Owners’ Union are divided on an upcoming vote to decide whether or not to display Ghost albums in the metal section of stores nationwide, sources confused by the lack of screaming report. “At lea…
Opinion: You Might as Well Get Used to AI, Because if You Don’t, I’m Ruined
These days, the parts of the internet that are still predominantly human are abuzz with anti-AI sentiment. You’ve all heard the arguments. AI is disastrous… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Life Hack: Apparently, You Can Throw Underwear Away if It Gets Too Old
I hear people talk a lot these days about “wellness.” On TikTok, it’s almost impossible not to hear chatter about: “Oh, this is my secret… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Denver Man Still Hides Weed in “Lord of the Rings” DVD Case for Nostalgia’s Sake
DENVER — Despite living in a fully legal state, having no roommates, and being gifted a climate-controlled humidor for his cannabis, 36-year-old Denver resident Evan… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Trump Reverses Stance on Epstein Files After Being Visited by Three Pedophile Ghosts
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is now urging republicans to vote for the release of the Epstein files, following a night of revelations in which… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
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Music
The Five Best Randy Newman Songs To Fuck To
Everyone appreciates Randy Newman’s signature voice as it conveys sardonic song lyrics set to classically arranged pop and folk music, but did you know his music is also great to fuck to? That’s right! Few people know that there’s more…
Metal Bassist with Throat Infection Promoted to Lead Singer
CHICAGO — William Hopper, the bassist for local metal band Cannibal Buffet, was abruptly promoted…
Punk Air Guitarist Air Overdoses on Air Heroin
SARASOTA, Fla. — Beloved local air guitarist Lance DeStefano is recovering after overdosing on imaginary…
London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City
LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump…
Kid Buying Misfits Shirt to Fit In
POMONA, Calif. — Local kid Garrett Dehaven is buying a Misfits shirt in an attempt…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…