Pete Hegseth Denies Damning Reports That He Got The Name Of Metallica’s First Album Wrong
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth continues to adamantly deny multiple claims that he thought Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All was called Kill Everyone, insisting that he was merely ordering a non-metal-related war crime. “I w…
Kristi Noem Shocked to Find Holocaust Memorial Museum Not Celebratory
WASHINGTON — DHS Secretary Kristi Noem was left shocked and confused after her visit to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum upon discovering the exhibits were… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Band Just One Hit Away From One-Hit Wonder Status
BORING, Ore. — Local band Lifetime Original Bitch is just one chart-topping song away from becoming a one-hit wonder, sources desperate to make it confirmed. … <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
How to Become Impervious to Phishing Scams by Never Reading Your Work Emails
Is it just me, or are we just being scammed and baited online every waking second of the day? Long story short, I might have… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia
RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
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Music
Slipknot Loses Three Members Due to Iowa Gerrymandering
DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of its nine members after they were officially drawn out of the band under new state musical redistricting, confirmed sources. “This…
Man Who Ordered Joy Division LP on Temu Receives Interpol Tape
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Thrifty post-punk fan Dannie Bishop reportedly received an Interpol tape in…
Bob Dylan Reveals Every Other Member of the Wallflowers Is Also His Son
DULUTH, Minn. — Prolific singer-songwriter Bob Dylan revealed that every member of ‘90s rock group…
Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia
RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent…
Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of “The Phantom of the Opera”
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…