Dad Doesn’t Know Why You Can’t Be More Open-Minded About Being Close-Minded
DENTON, Texas — A local father is left wondering, "Where did I go wrong," after resigning himself to the grim reality that his 28-year-old son will not be adopting his family's long-held close-minded attitude, sources related to the heartbr…
Ironic: Classmate Who Wore “No Fear” Shirts in Middle School Now Inordinately Terrified of Cities, Immigrants, and Trans People
Remember your middle-school classmate Bryce Hepfeldt? He sat behind you in 7th grade Pre-Algebra and often entertained you with Stone Cold Steve Austin catchphrases and… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Local Man Only Able to Express Emotion Using “I Think You Should Leave” GIFs
PEORIA, Ill. — Local 43-year-old Dan Reynolds lost the ability to verbally communicate with loved ones and is only able to quote or use GIFs… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Help! I Let Jesus Take the Wheel and He Drove Us to a Ska Festival
I was never a very religious person until recently when my life of sin finally forced me to confront my demons. I was speeding down… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia
RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
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Music
Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of “The Phantom of the Opera”
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill with a full touring production of “The Phantom of the Opera,” confirmed already tired sources. “It’s honestly the best thing that could happen to this…
Record Store Owners' Union to Vote on Whether Ghost Albums Belong in Metal Section
AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the Record Store Owners’ Union are divided on an upcoming…
Wellness Check Called on Members of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard After Two-Month Gap with No New Album Released
MELBOURNE, Australia — Concerned fans of psychedelic rock outfit King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard,…
The Five Best Randy Newman Songs To Fuck To
Everyone appreciates Randy Newman’s signature voice as it conveys sardonic song lyrics set to classically…
Metal Bassist with Throat Infection Promoted to Lead Singer
CHICAGO — William Hopper, the bassist for local metal band Cannibal Buffet, was abruptly promoted…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…