White House to Debut Non-Woke Version of Jesus Christ Called John America
WASHINGTON — The White House announced the debut of a non-woke version of Jesus Christ called John America, confirmed sources. “Republicans love Jesus,” said Tom Pool, head of the White House spiritual marketing department. “But some of …
Environmental Win! I Haven’t Heard Anyone Mention the Hole in the Ozone Layer Since the ‘90s, So I’m Guessing It’s Not an Issue Anymore!
Hell yeah! You know that hole in the ozone layer everyone was talking about when you were a kid in the ‘90s? You could barely… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance
Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set
ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to tune his vacuum cleaner before taking the stage at his… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Erika Kirk Takes Quiet Moment To Mourn With Only Six Confetti Cannons
PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources. “I… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram
Heroic ICE Agent Recovering in Hospital After Near-Fatal Jerk Sesh
MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Bob Weird Dead at 78, According To Autocorrect
SAN FRANCISCO — Bob Weird, a founding member of the Grateful Dead, died at age 78 yesterday, according to autocorrect. “There is no Grateful Dead without Bob’s guitar. He was in it from the beginning, all the way back to…
Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local disturbed man took bankgoers hostage and threatened to execute one…
Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set
ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to…
Guy Won’t Shut the Fuck up About Being Vegan and Also About Being Moby
LOS ANGELES — A guy overheard talking outside of a local coffee shop refused to…
Ian Mackaye Accused of Selling Out After Listing Old Mattress on Facebook Marketplace
WASHINGTON — Discord Records co-founder and legendary punk frontman Ian MacKaye is facing accusations of…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…