Kristi Noem Instructs Gun-Shy ICE Officers to Picture Protester as Cute Puppy
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem hoped to help ICE officers become more reckless by instructing them to picture protesters, legal observers, and bystanders in general as cute puppies, sources confirmed. “We are cur…
Why Go Watch One Good Movie in a Theater When You Can Watch 1000 Mediocre Ones at Home, Take Anti-Depressants, and Breed More Workers? – Guest Post by Ted Sarandos
Greetings, average American viewer, it’s me, Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, taking time out of my busy day to talk to you. I wanted to take… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Greg Bovino Considering Freelance Fascism
ICE Confirms Man With Kind Eyes Who Dedicated Life To Helping Sick Veterans “No Longer a Threat”
MINNEAPOLIS — Border Patrol chief Greg Bovino confirmed that Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old VA intensive care nurse known for his empathy, compassion, and strong sense… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
The Next Clark Kent/Superman? We’ve Never Seen Ice and the Proud Boys at the Same Place at the Same Time
Look, I’m no detective. I lack the intelligence, training, qualifications, and decency to perform such a job — much like an ICE agent — I’m… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Sex Ruined by Lackluster Spank From Man Who’s Just Not a Spanker
Tiny Desk Concert Not Particularly Receptive to Tiny Circle Pit
WASHINGTON — An attempted tiny circle pit during a Tiny Desk Concert in NPR’s headquarters was not well-met by almost everyone in attendance, irritated sources… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Just Because We’re a Metalcore Band Doesn’t Mean We’re From the Midwest, but Yeah, We’re Only Touring Iowa and Nebraska
I've always believed stereotypes, whether positive or negative, are reductive and paint a picture of entire groups of people. Case in point: everywhere our band goes, before we play a single chord, we're immediately clocked as being a metalcore band.…
Paul Simon’s ‘Kodachrome’ Voted Best Song on the ‘Coneheads’ Soundtrack for 32nd Year in a Row
NEW YORK — Online music magazine Pitchfork once again ranked Paul Simon’s 1973 hit “Kodachrome”…
AI-Generated Metallica Song Better Than Anything They’ve Released in Over Three Decades
CUPERTINO, Calif. — An AI-generated Metallica song titled “Am I Revenge Forgiven II?” sounded better…
Fans Reminded Not to Feed Dave Grohl
PHILADELPHIA — Foo Fighters’ production staff put in long hours taping up signs warning fans…
Yikes! Spin Doctors Reveal Prince Andrew Is One of the Two Princes They’re Singing About
NEW YORK — American rock group Spin Doctors revealed that one of the princes in…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…