Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
LOS ANGELES — On-and-off Misfits singer Glenn Danzig was completely scared straight after visits from the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future, confirmed sources. “After the Ghost of Halloween Past took me back in time to …
White House Announces Children on EBT Only Allowed to Trick or Treat at Houses Giving Out Apples
WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced Monday that children who are on EBT, or SNAP benefits, will only be permitted to trick or treat at… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Stephen Miller Googles “Temu Return Policy” After Disastrous Outing for New Press Secretary
66 Horror Movie Kills That Would Look Cooler if Donald Trump (Who Has Acted Before) Was in Them—We Can Say That, Right?
7. Scanners (1981), Head Explosions Holding a press conference to brag about your psychic powers kind of feels like a Trump move. Having that press… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Patrick Stewart Reappears as Force Ghost Just To Piss You Nerds Off
LOS ANGELES—Sir Patrick Stewart, the beloved actor who passed away earlier today, most famous for his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on ‘Star Trek: The… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Death Toll of Online Girlfriends Soars After Air Strike on Russian Data Center
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore
PEORIA, Ill. — Each waiting behind a corner to frighten the other the moment either of them rounds it, aging goth couple Rob and Patricia Ferney acknowledged that, unfortunately, they barely scare each other anymore. "The years add up and,…
Bon Iver Reveals ‘Skinny Love’ About Snapping Into a Slim Jim
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Singer-songwriter Justin Vernon, better known by his indie folk band moniker…
Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show
PHOENIX — Concertgoers in their late 30s and older are entering venues with a swath…
‘It Follows’ Monster Quits in Disgust 10 Minutes After Being Assigned to Crust Punk
PITTSBURGH — The monster from “It Follows” found itself quitting in disgust after only 10…
Nation’s Xylophones Sit Dusty After Overly Optimistic ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ Boom
UNITED STATES — A secret collection of neglected xylophones hidden in American basements that were…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…