Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck”
WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public today sporting an incredible physique and a voracious appetite for sex, Washington insiders confirm. “Tha…
Last Chick-fil-A Desegregates
HERITAGE, Miss. — Chick-fil-A announced its last restaurant to desegregate has finally done so, sources confirmed. “This brings to an end the long, arduous process… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Karaoke Night Sound Guy Rigs Mic To Electrocute Anyone Who Tries To Hit the Falsetto in ‘Take on Me’
Trump Softens on GWAR After Learning They Own Slaves
WASHINGTON — A recent federal investigation into the theatrical rock group GWAR regarding their mock execution of Donald Trump on stage has been called off… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Classic Rock DJ Hastily Throws on ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ Before Unwrapping Burrito
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local radio DJ Danny “Mustang” McGibbon quickly pressed play on Iron Butterfly’s classic 17-minute-long rock song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” before diving into his lunchtime… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Casino Throws Out Old Money at End of Day
Oh, You’re a Buckethead Fan? Name Three Items on the KFC Menu
Hey you. Yeah, you with the Chicago Bulls jersey and the nunchucks doing what looks like a robot dance. And is that the game “Clue”… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Drummer Accidentally Tosses Snare Into Crowd Instead of Sticks
BOULDER, Colo. — Zach Brinton, drummer of death metal band Putrefying Entrails, accidentally tossed his snare into the crowd instead of his sticks during a show at the Rocket Bar & Lounge, surprised sources report. “Oh man, what was I…
Classic Rock DJ Hastily Throws on ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ Before Unwrapping Burrito
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local radio DJ Danny “Mustang” McGibbon quickly pressed play on Iron Butterfly’s…
Imagine Dragons Tap the Wiggles and Raffi To Open on Upcoming Tour
LOS ANGELES — Imagine Dragons announced their upcoming nationwide tour would include supporting acts featuring…
Drummer's Yearbook Photo Obscured by Guitarist and Half a Keyboard
SAN DIEGO — Local student at Pardo High School and drummer Grey Martin was noticeably…
New Music Streaming App Will Take Money Directly From Artists on User’s Canceled List
SAN FRANCISCO — A new music streaming app will take money directly from controversial artists…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…