Okay, Nathan Fielder — Now Do Lars Ulrich
Hey, thanks, Nathan Fielder, for your recent exposee of a psychotic American weirdo in Elizabeth Holmes. But the time has come, and our nation’s metalheads cry out for the full bearing of justice upon someone who REALLY deserves it. I am…
Changing Tables Installed in Senate Bathrooms for Elderly Senators
WASHINGTON — Changing tables were installed in U.S. Senate bathrooms for elderly elected officials, thanks to the hard work of a bipartisan group of ancient… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Hegseth Puts Out Feelers To Other Militaries Just in Case
Melania Can’t Believe Trump Thinks They Have a “Let’s Take the Cyanide Together” Level Relationship
WASHINGTON—Melania Trump, wife of President Trump, was reportedly confused and extremely put off by her husband’s recent assumption that, when the time came, they would… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Chuck Schumer Stands Naked in Front of Mirror Wearing MAGA Hat and Dick Tucked Between Legs
WASHINGTON — Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer’s entire staff threatened to quit today after walking in on him naked, standing in front of a mirror with… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
YES WE CAN Only Have 44 Or So Senators Backing a Fascist Child Molester
Drummer Has Zoomies
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A recent show for death metal band Burning Rhino Carcass had to be delayed because their drummer was busy running around in… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Stevie Nicks Reveals ‘Tusk’ Actually About Wanting to Beat Lindsey Buckingham to Death With Sharp, Phallic Object
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Decades after the release of the Fleetwood Mac album “Tusk,” Stevie Nicks revealed that the song of the same name is, in fact, about wanting to beat Lindsey Buckingham to death with a sharp, phallic object,…
Fed Up King Gizzard Fans Demand to Know When Polka Album Being Released
MELBOURNE, Australia — Fans of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard are voicing their frustrations…
Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine
SEATTLE — Liberal punk band The Living Kennedys has had enough and taken the drastic…
Horror Punk House Denies Halloween Candy to Any Child Who’s Listened to Post-'Art of Drowning' AFI
FORT WAYNE, Ind.— Residents of a horror punk house refused to distribute Halloween candy to…
Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
LOS ANGELES — On-and-off Misfits singer Glenn Danzig was completely scared straight after visits from…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…