Dom Forces Sub to Read and Explain Board Game Rules
SAN FRANCISCO — The local kink community was fascinated today by a dom who compels their sub to both read and explain rules to a board game, confirmed slightly turned on sources. “It’s just about the most unpleasant and degrading thing I…
Dave Portnoy Gives Perfect Score to Slice of Pizza That Comes With Little Vial of Cocaine
BOSTON — Barstool Sports founder and One Bite Pizza reviewer Dave Portnoy reportedly gave a rare perfect 10.0 score to a slice of cheese pizza… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Why My Frank Zappa Fandom Had Nothing to Do with Me Naming My Son Dweezil
Israel Claims Hamas Holding Prime Real Estate Hostage
JERUSALEM, Israel — The Israeli Prime Minister’s office claimed Hamas was holding prime real estate hostage in dangerously tempting conditions, declaring the war would continue… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Band Photo Features Shirts of Four Better Bands
TORRANCE, Calif. — Up-and-coming hardcore band Loaf High are fending off critics after releasing a new batch of promo pictures that depict them wearing merch… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Ken Burns’ ‘History of Grindcore’ 12 Seconds Long
Opinion: You Can Be a Progressive and Still Hunt the Homeless for Sport – Guest Column by Gavin Newsom
My name is Chief Bob’s Big Boy in Charge of Things — Gavin Newsom. I’m writing this op-ed currently and with great intentions to talk… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
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Music
Punk House's Only Working Light Is Tip of Vape Pen
EASTON, Pa. — Residents of a local punk house are officially down to the glowing tip of a vape pen as their only working light, according to sources blindly banging their shins into the coffee table. “The few light bulbs…
Punk’s Best Anecdote Very Similar to Sober Friend’s Rock Bottom Story
KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local tattooist Eddie Greer’s proud tale of drunken excess bears a close…
Zohran Mamdani Announces Plans for Free Tour Buses for Shitty Dive Bands
NEW YORK — New York Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani revealed that plans for his mayoral term…
Ken Burns' ‘History of Grindcore’ 12 Seconds Long
ARLINGTON, Va. — PBS surprised viewers that a new documentary from acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns…
Headset Microphone on Drummer Mostly Picks Up Heavy Breathing
ATLANTA — The Howling Goons’ plan to let their drummer assume extra vocal duties backfired…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…