Marlboro Introduces Non-Marijuana Cigarette for Dry 4/20
RICHMOND, Va. — Tobacco giant Marlboro, in a bid to capitalize on the sober-curious movement, is introducing a line of non-marijuana cigarettes for those looking to enjoy 4/20 stone-free, confirmed sources. “We are extremely excited to h…
Owala Designs Bottle Specifically for Parents To Drink Booze During Boring Children’s Events
LEHI, Utah — Trove Brands, the exclusive drinkware brand behind Owala, announced a new bottle designed specifically for parents to drink booze during their children’s… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Feel Old Yet? The Nazi-Saluting Kids in the “Jeremy” Music Video All Work in the Trump Administration Now!
Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One Way or Another” is still the best indicator that you… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Mamdani’s Luxury Property Tax Forcing More Billionaires To Choose Between Clone Organ Harvesting or Private Gladiatorial Arenas
NEW YORK — NYC’s wealthiest property owners are expressing growing concern today as Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s new pied-à-terre tax is forcing more of them to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It
Trump to Guest Star on Upcoming Episode of “The Pitt”
BURBANK, Calif — President and part-time actor Donald Trump will make a guest appearance on an upcoming episode of medical drama “The Pitt”, according to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
Groupie Upgrades From Bassist to Merch Guy
SEATTLE — Local groupie Ellie Winterman made a significant quality-of-life change by deciding to sleep with metal band Former Oracles’ merch guy instead of their bassist, sources report. “Look, Sean was a nice guy and all, but it really wears…
Local Man Basically the Next Elvis if You Only Count the Abusing Adderall on the Toilet Part
PROVO, Utah — Local man Adam Kerman was excited to learn that he’s basically the…
Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One…
Metallica Fans Now Choosing Between Fuel, Fire, and That Which They Desire Due to Trump Economy
BARSTOW, Calif. — Metallica fans across the nation are feeling the pinch of the Trump…
Venue Changes Name, Owner, Staff Mid-Show
MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Attendees of a local punk show were left confused and disoriented after…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…