Trump Offers Ambassadorship Position to Security Guard Who Licks Sarah Connor’s Face in ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’
LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump offered the position of Ambassador to Paraguay to Douglas Smith, the security guard seen licking Sarah Connor’s face as she lay strapped to a bed in 1992’s “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” disgusted sources…
Safe Space: This Support Group Helps Men In Their 40s Accept That They’ll Never Host MST3K
Every man — literally every single male-identifying person on God’s green earth — has at some point in their life fantasized about being the host… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to be nearly impassable by pedestrians without flailing in a way… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane
LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’
Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Music
Diarrhea Planet Apologize for Making Good Music After Naming Their Band That
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Garage punk band Diarrhea Planet issued an apology for releasing good music after having chosen such an awful band name, sources report. “From the bottom of our hearts, everyone in Diarrhea Planet sincerely apologizes,” said frontman Jordan…
New Aaron Lewis Album Crowdsourced From r/Conservative
WORTHINGTON, Mass. — Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he…
Mirror in Venue Bathroom Fucking Useless
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The mirror in the men’s bathroom of local venue Harlux is…
Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses
CENTRE ISLAND, N.Y. — Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man”…
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…