Trump Demands Death Penalty for Anyone Who Would Go Back in Time and Kill Baby Hitler
WASHINGTON — President Trump has expanded his claims of sedition and calls for the death penalty to include any American who, if given the implausible opportunity, would travel back in time to kill Hitler as a baby, in a Truth Social post e…
Opinion: I’m Sorry, Your Honor, but I Can Only Say “Yes” by Vocalizing the Riff From Collective Soul’s “Shine” and Then Singing “Yeah”
Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. My name is Terrence Holloway. I understand the charge. Dun… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Florida Child Bullied for Being Only One in Class Without Whooping Cough
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Fourth grader Stevie McLaughlin became the class loser for being the only student without a nasty case of whooping cough, confirmed sources… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Record Store Owners’ Union to Vote on Whether Ghost Albums Belong in Metal Section
AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the Record Store Owners’ Union are divided on an upcoming vote to decide whether or not to display Ghost albums… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Trump Reverses Stance on Epstein Files After Being Visited by Three Pedophile Ghosts
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is now urging republicans to vote for the release of the Epstein files, following a night of revelations in which… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Stay in the Know
Music
The Five Best Randy Newman Songs To Fuck To
Everyone appreciates Randy Newman’s signature voice as it conveys sardonic song lyrics set to classically arranged pop and folk music, but did you know his music is also great to fuck to? That’s right! Few people know that there’s more…
Metal Bassist with Throat Infection Promoted to Lead Singer
CHICAGO — William Hopper, the bassist for local metal band Cannibal Buffet, was abruptly promoted…
Punk Air Guitarist Air Overdoses on Air Heroin
SARASOTA, Fla. — Beloved local air guitarist Lance DeStefano is recovering after overdosing on imaginary…
London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City
LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump…
Kid Buying Misfits Shirt to Fit In
POMONA, Calif. — Local kid Garrett Dehaven is buying a Misfits shirt in an attempt…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…