Trump Offers Ambassadorship Position to Security Guard Who Licks Sarah Connor’s Face in ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’
LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump offered the position of Ambassador to Paraguay to Douglas Smith, the security guard seen licking Sarah Connor’s face as she lay strapped to a bed in 1992’s “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” disgusted sources…
Safe Space: This Support Group Helps Men In Their 40s Accept That They’ll Never Host MST3K
Every man — literally every single male-identifying person on God’s green earth — has at some point in their life fantasized about being the host… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to be nearly impassable by pedestrians without flailing in a way… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane
LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’
Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
New Aaron Lewis Album Crowdsourced From r/Conservative
WORTHINGTON, Mass. — Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he crowdsourced his new album, “I’m Not Racist, You Are,” from the popular right-wing subreddit r/Conservative, impotent rage-fueled sources confirmed. “Yeah, it’s true. I used it…
Mirror in Venue Bathroom Fucking Useless
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The mirror in the men’s bathroom of local venue Harlux is…
Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses
CENTRE ISLAND, N.Y. — Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man”…
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to…
Aging Punk Woman Solemnly Vows to Reject the Siren’s Call of Rockabilly
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Nearly 40-year-old punk woman Allie Gerard recently made a solemn vow to…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…