Fox News Reports the Strait of Hormuz Is Blocked by Trans Swimmers
NEW YORK — American multinational conservative news channel Fox News has reported that the Strait of Hormuz, the oil trading artery linking the Persian Gulf with the Arabian Sea, which has become increasingly volatile since America’s attack…
Oh, You’re A KoЯn Fan? Name Three Dah-Boom-Dah-Dah-MMM-Dum-Nah-Ee-Mah
Hey, you with the white-kid dreads and those baggy JNCOs with a portable CD player in the giant back pocket. Is that a KoЯn t-shirt?… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Hilarious! This High School Acquaintance Thinks I’m Going To Accept His Friend Request
Hardcore Band Preemptively Starts GoFundMe To Get Ahead of Inevitable Van Accident
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local hardcore outfit Prayer Grave started a preemptive GoFundMe to pay for the crippling debt they’ll one day incur from their inevitable… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets
WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Tesla Hides Drive Mode Behind Subscription Paywall
Band Announces They’ve Parted Ways With Guy Who Wrote the Music, Named the Band
GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Popular alt-funk band Transit announced they were parting ways with lead guitarist Wayne Lee, who was primarily known for writing all… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
Drummer With Song Idea Pretends They Got It From ChatGPT
MINNEAPOLIS — Maku Lee, drummer for punk band Meatsleeves, attempted to pass off a song idea as having come from ChatGPT, sources confirmed. “The band barely allows me to talk, much less bring up a song idea. During breaks in…
Mötley Crüe Fans Disappointed After Nikki Sixx Discusses Time He Had Actual Consensual Sex With Someone
LOS ANGELES — Fans of the ‘80s hair metal band Mötley Crüe are reportedly heartbroken…
Björk Hogging All the Seeds in Bird Feeder Again
REYKJAVÍK — Enigmatic musical artist Björk is being accused by human beings and birds alike…
Punk Goes Through Humiliating Process of DMing Promoter for Show's Address
LOS ANGELES — Local wannabe scenester Jeremiah Buford is currently going through the soul crushing…
Black Metal Band Wouldn’t Have Burned Down Church Had They Known It Would Distract From Priest’s Latest Abuse Allegations
MOBILE, Ala. — Members of black metal band Christspearer found themselves regretting setting fire to…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…