Oh, You’re a Mountain Goats Fan? Name 325 Songs
I’d like to play a game, and you probably know the drill by now. If you’re really a Mountain Goats fan, then you should have no problem naming 325 songs, right? No pressure, but every second you pause to think, John Darnielle is writing ano…
Punk Goes Through Humiliating Process of DMing Promoter for Show’s Address
LOS ANGELES — Local wannabe scenester Jeremiah Buford is currently going through the soul crushing embarrassment of DMing a promoter for the address and details… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Couple Way Too Hot To Be Punk
Report: America’s Primary Source of Education Fun Facts on the Sides of U-Haul Trucks
SANTE FE, N.M. — A recent study revealed that America’s primary source of education has been reduced to fun facts on the sides of U-Haul… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets
WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’
ICE Agent Moved to Tears During Domestic Abuse Portion of ‘Down With the Sickness’
MINNEAPOLIS — Local ICE Agent Arnie Blacksmith was moved to tears during the “domestic abuse” part of the Disturbed single “Down With the Sickness,” therapy-avoiding… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Study Confirms ‘Two Beers In’ Even Better 12 Beers In
EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic midwest emo anthem “Two Beers In” is even more enjoyable after 12 beers, confirmed sources. “As the Midwest’s premiere academic institution, it’s an honor to…
Couple Way Too Hot To Be Punk
LOS ANGELES — A young couple recently sighted at a local punk show was deemed…
ICE Agent Moved to Tears During Domestic Abuse Portion of ‘Down With the Sickness’
MINNEAPOLIS — Local ICE Agent Arnie Blacksmith was moved to tears during the “domestic abuse”…
Band Touring Through Oregon Loses Member to Dysentery
OREGON CITY, Ore. — Florida band The Schticks reportedly lost their bass player Lars “Puke…
Five Underrated Death Metal Albums You Might as Well Discuss in This Job Interview Since They’re Clearly Not Going To Hire You
Oh shit, this interview is not going well. As soon as this guy used the…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…