Wake up, America: it’s time to face the reality that porn addiction is a crippling disease, and one that affects millions of people in this country—at least I hope so, or else I’m pretty fucked.
For starters, it’s clear that porn abuse is a widespread problem based on these vague statistics I’m about to reference and hope are true. For instance, they’ve done studies that show that 85% of people now watch porn more than 8 hours a day. Crazy, right? They’ve also done studies that show that 90% of those people have a specific fixation for Marge Simpson Hentai that they haven’t been able to shake since a certain blue couch cushion incident when they were fourteen. I know, what a sad portrait of society! What’s even sadder is Harvard’s most recent study that showed 99% of men in their 40s aren’t able to sustain an erection without their partner reluctantly going “Hi Homey,” in the most convincing Marge Simpson voice they can muster. I mean, I’d certainly call that a problem. But at least now we don’t have to feel so alone in it. Right, guys?
Okay, I’m starting to get the sense some of you are doubting the statistically proven fact that porn addiction is an extremely common issue that affects all of us equally. Well, it fucking better be! Why else did I just ruin this 6-year-long relationship? Do you really think I’d ruin a 6-year-long relationship for something that was completely my fault and not society’s?
Okay, fine. Let’s just entertain the fact that I have a so-called “problem with porn” that has left me single, lonely, and “banned from the Universal Studios Simpsons Ride for life.” What is there to do about it? One solution would be to take personal accountability, to stop watching porn, to go to therapy, and to work on forming healthy relationships with women. Again, that’s just one solution. Another equally viable solution would be to just call it a “widespread epidemic” and wait for people to agree.
The second option seems like the most practical to me, and I hear 9 out of 10 people think so too. At the end of the day, who am I—or any of our girlfriends, wives, parents, and sponsors—to sit in judgment of what I am claiming the majority of people in this country are doing? As I always say, societal problems by definition have no solution. In the mean time, there are more pressing issues to attend to, like the hot and horny singles desperate to fuck in my area.