Lubomir Karashenko
July 15, 1976 – July 22, 2023
Lubomir Karashenko was born on a desolate stretch of Ukrainian tundra known to the locals as “The Ice-Devil’s Shuffleboard Table.” He emigrated to the United States in a cheese cart, and later, a cheese canoe.
A natural singer, Mr. Karashenko soon formed acclaimed ‘90s emocore band Hail Grade Umbrellas, and the group quickly became known for their traumatically expressive songs “Screaming My Siberian Ass To Death All the Time” and “I’m Sank Dick-Deep In Freezin’ Slush Again.” The band reached the height of their popularity when they were the musical guest on that episode of The Chevy Chase Show that never got aired. Mr. Karashenko passed away last week after literally screaming his Siberian ass to death one final time.
He is unfortunately survived by Chevy Chase, who is strictly barred from attending any memorial events. Any sightings of Mr. Chase should be reported to cemetery authorities immediately.
Alicia Gainsworth
February 4, 1942 – July 23, 2023
Born in San Antonio, Texas, Ms. Gainworth was raised by a nest of disorganized fire ants. A graduate of San Antonio High School, she was proudly illiterate until her dying day.
Despite being functionally incapable of reading or writing in any language, Ms. Gainsworth served as the editor-in-chief for “PUKE!,” a prolific zine that claimed to be the first to publish nude photos of Lou Reed. She also served the local scene by baking psychotropic baked goods for the less fortunate, and was one of the earliest to fight against the scene’s ongoing sobriety crisis. Ms. Gainsworth lost her life attempting to read a stop sign on acid.
She is survived by the remaining editorial staff of PUKE!, and her high school English teacher who is currently wanted for questioning by the San Antonio Police Department.
“Wrenchy”
D.O.B Unknown – July 26, 2023
Transient scene staple known only by the moniker “Wrenchy” preferred life on the road. His arrival in a town could be predicted by the approaching cloud of toxic dust and constant industrial clanking noises which always preceded him.
Active in the communities he visited, Wrenchy could often be found using his trademark pipe wrench to rob Guitar Center, and then distribute the loot to the local scene like a smelly Robin Hood. In his free time, he enjoyed debating anarchist philosophy with stray dogs. Wrenchy passed away earlier this week of unknown causes – best guess, he was anywhere between 30 and 90 years old.
In lieu of flowers, Wrenchy’s last request was that all mourners go out and rob a Home Depot in his honor.