BERLIN — Former German leader Adolf Hitler, who is widely considered to be one of the most evil men of all time, is reportedly rolling over in his grave after learning he is sharing Time’s annual “Person of the Year” award with the architects of AI, sources confirmed.
“I haven’t been this upset since Stalingrad, and that says a lot because I’ve spent the last 80 years in Hell being brutally tortured by demonic beings that I had dreamed would fight alongside Germany on the frontlines,” said Hitler. “I don’t know what the editors at Time are thinking. I was trying to destroy humanity the old-fashioned way, by using humans to kill humans. These dorks are destroying humanity by rotting brains and wasting resources. When I was done killing humans I still wanted Earth to exist, I don’t even know what the end game is for these guys.”
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman says he is honored to share the award with his peers and the architect of the Holocaust.
“Ever since I was a kid I looked up to Hitler and what he was able to accomplish in such a short time. In fact, some of the earliest AI models I created were programmed to recreate some of Hitler’s art,” said Altman. “But Hitler’s vision was too limited. I envision a world where AI completely replaces humans, humanity can finally be obsolete. Picture that, a world where you don’t have to work every day, you don’t have to be stressed out all the time, and it’s because you’re dead, thanks to the fact that data centers used up all the potable water on the planet. I can’t wait until we reach that point.”
Time’s editor-in-chief Sam Jacobs defended the selection.
“The ‘Person of the Year’ award is something we are very proud of at Time because we basically invented clickbait. We have been riling up people for years and staying relevant by making selections that make people say ‘What the fuck are these morons thinking?’ Well buddy, I think you’re talking about us and that’s all that matters,” said Jacobs. “You think we are going to waste out time picking the Pope again? Fat chance, that doesn’t move units in 2025. So fuck you, maybe next year we will pick ‘Your Mother’s Rotten Crotch’ and see how you like that.”
At press time, Satan admitted that the architects of AI will have their own special circle of Hell reserved just for them.
