A wild bison wandered into Germany on September 13th and was swiftly killed to prevent a New World Order from forming. It was the first time a wild bison has been seen in Germany for 250 years. Wildlife organizations were outraged that the authorities reacted in the way that they did.
It was originally thought that the lone European bison was killed to “protect local communities”, but this explanation was not enough for truth seekers and vegans around the world who wanted to hear a more logical reason as to why an innocent animal was shot dead with so little consideration.
Activist Kristoff Beefstock, who doesn’t identify with any country or gender, decided to act to find out more and started an online group that quickly snowballed into the thousands. After receiving a constant barrage of tweets from angry and mostly gluten-intolerant individuals, the German authorities felt they needed to respond.
“We would like to apologize to the WWF, vegans and pansies all around the world, and to the hunters who have received bad publicity following the shooting of the alleged bison. We want to assure the people of our country, and indeed the world, that we have acted in their best interest,” said the head of German PR Angela Merky.
“What we are about to tell you, is the final thread in a story that has been woven through hundreds if not thousands of years of history. It is time that the public knows the truth, so that they may be aware of the threat to our society and to our planet…”
“The bison was actually a lizard.”
Merky then explained a very detailed plot involving world bankers, Katy Perry and shapeshifting aliens disguised as humans who are living among us; a belief that is actually not as rare as you might imagine.
Merky went on to say, “The lizard shapeshifters landed on our planet several thousand [of] years ago and since then have infiltrated every aspect of our lives. They are in the process of changing the atmosphere of the planet to better suit their reptilian evolution and they want to transform the very fabric of our society, placing themselves as global rulers with the population willingly subdued and enslaved on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.”
When asked what any of this had to do with bison, Merky seemed to forget that she was speaking on behalf of an entire nation. She said, “Have you not been listening to me? This bison was a shapeshifter, I’m sure of it. You have to understand numerology. There hasn’t been a bison seen in Germany for 250 years. It happens to be around the same number of years since the lizards took hold in Europe, just before the formation of the Bavarian secret societies in 1776. This so-called bison had sinister intentions, and we weren’t about to let it take over our country without a fight.”
Opinions have been flying around the internet since Merky released her statement confirming the shapeshifter-bison link. Some believe that bison should be dealt with using force.
“I always knew bison were in on it,” said author and YouTube celebrity David Syke, “We need to act now to send a message to the world. Waving an American flag around will no longer stop the threat.”
Hardcore vegans and animal rights activists have argued that shapeshifting lizard-bison deserve the same rights as everybody else. They claim that we are “all on this planetary journey together”.
Conspiracy expert Thomas Hole thinks that Merky’s statement represents a cover-up attempt by the state. “I personally don’t believe a word of it. The bison was shot dead in cold blood and Merky has attempted to pull the wool over our eyes by introducing an ancient enemy. It’s nothing new. But the people will not be deceived. Everybody knows that shapeshifting lizards only take the form of humans or domestic cats.”
Nobody has yet questioned Merky’s sanity.