CALABASAS, Calif. — Shoppers at The Commons were treated to the stylings of local hardcore band xMOSTxSINCERESTx, who opened their set in the shopping center’s popular destination for high-quality cookware and home decor with a welcoming, “What the fuck is up, Williams-Sonoma?!,” delighted sources confirmed.
“Hardcore is for everyone,” said the band’s vocalist and heir to the Worthington Biotech fortune, Harris Worthington III. “I mean it. Regardless of whether you grew up on the streets or whether you, let’s just say as a totally random example, have a grandfather who made his fortune selling chemical weapons to various warlords and dictators throughout the world and then invested that war profiteering into DNA sequencing, thereby ensuring his lineage will live in height if luxury til the end of time. Either way, we’re all part of the same scene, and anyone who says differently is a gatekeeping, which is way worse than anything my ancestors did.”
As shoppers entered the store they were greeted by the band’s roadie, Doug Lincoln, who insisted everyone, including Williams-Sonoma employees, pay the $5 cover.
“Honestly I thought we were donating to children in need,” said Katrina Paige, a local shopper, “But that’s ok because I support the arts. It’s certainly not the music I’m used to hearing in there. But seeing and smelling all those tattooed folks doing karate moves really added a new and different ambiance to the place. And the aggressive yet positive and nondescript lyrics really got me in the mood to not only buy a new crepe pan but also get a pasta crimping tool with a marble handle! Plus I learned what a ‘Wall of Death’ is. So that was neat”.
Longtime members of the Southern California punk scene were not surprised by the event.
“I think this gonna become pretty commonplace,” said scene veteran and punk historian Brad “Torture” Chambers. “As more and more punk spaces and music venues in general get closed down, bands are having to find more unique settings to play. And it seems to all be relative to where the band feels comfortable performing. I heard Revocation is playing at the Dunkin’ in Glendale on Wednesday. Cannibal Corpse played Target last month. Even Turnstile has a set scheduled this weekend at the Urban Outfitters at the PacSun in The Galleria. I didn’t even know those existed anymore.”
At press time, Harris Worthington III was heard on the phone outside of the band’s 2024 Mercedes Sprinter van trying to book a show at Erewhon.