TEMPE, Ariz. — Local concert venue marquee-setter Kenan Vollick was overheard fretting about the possibility of the bands King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead ever doing a show together, sources confirmed, while counting the amount of letters that would be.
“Dude, I thought I had it bad when freaking They Might Be Giants burst on the scene. I didn’t know how breezy I had it back then! The thought of Gizzard and Trail of Dead ever joining forces literally keeps me up at night,” said Vollick, the man responsible for signage at Darkstar Tempe. “This venue isn’t prepared for the amount of letters that would take up. I’d have to start fashioning some out of old furniture and papier mache. I don’t have that kind of time and dedication, I just don’t! Doesn’t anyone appreciate brevity anymore? I’d kill for OK Go to tour with Yes. I’d be home in time for lunch that day.”
Vollick’s anxiety over the possibility has led him to pre-emptively seek out the aid of local construction professionals.
“Mr. Vollick brought us in to essentially triple the current size of the outdoor signage, should those two bands ever tour with each other. By the looks of these blueprints, she should be 93% marquee within the week. Basically a big sign with a bouncer in front of it is what we’re looking at,” said local contractor Hesseman Crest, as he dollied over one of the many giant letter Z’s purchased. “Hell, if I owned this heap, I’d probably just go ahead and make the font size smaller, but they’re the ones cutting me the fat check, so I’ll keep my yap shut.”
Unfortunately for the marquee-setters around the world, the nation’s linguists are hard at work in ways that may complicate matters further.
“Well, to make a long story short, we’ve got lots of new letters of the alphabet on the way. If projections are correct, we could be looking at a 76-77 letter English alphabet by the end of the year,” said Kramer. “This could allow indie bands to use all sorts of bloated, self-indulgently drawn-out band names. Names that could be entire passages and paragraphs the likes of which Coachella has never seen.”
At press time, Vollick entered a state of comatose shock after learning of the existence of the band The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die.