SUNNYVALE, Calif. — A local man who miraculously woke up from a two-decade-long coma was horrified to learn that the world was still burdened by plagues like tuberculosis and ska, according to nearby sources who couldn’t really disagree.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be alive, but I can’t believe there are still so many horrible afflictions in this world,” stated 47-year-old Danny Walker. “The last thing I remember before crashing into that tree was listening to a radio news report about a deadly TB outbreak in South America. I mistakenly figured that this disease would have surely been eradicated by now. Even more concerning, though, is that I found out a bigger evil, Reel Big Fish, was also still amongst us. How the hell is this possible? It kind of makes me wish I was still in that coma. Thankfully, ska doesn’t exist when you’re in a deep state of continuous unconsciousness.”
The man’s older brother, Bobby Walker, was present when he awoke.
“When they told me he was finally awake, I couldn’t believe it!” said the 52-year-old sibling. “He seemed really surprised that humans weren’t able to cure every single disease yet, but when we told him that Less Than Jake was unfortunately still very much alive, he got really aggressive and had to be sedated. I know he should just be grateful that he’s still among the living and not worry about goofy-ass music, but I see his point. I told him to look on the bright side, hopefully the upcoming apocalypse will finally take it out.”
Infectious disease expert Kate Tidesdale explained that she was worried about dangerous strains of music.
“We need to do a better job trying to contain genres of music like ska or we’ll eventually reach the point of no return,” said Tidedale. “A lot of things keep us disease experts up at night, but nothing is as frightening as seeing new clusters of checker-wearing bands pop up all over the place. Considering the globe was just shut down for years because of Covid, you’d think we’d be more proactive about eliminating any other threats, but the fact you can log onto Spotify and listen to The Mighty Mighty Bosstones any time you want, makes me think we’re all doomed.”
At press time, Walker tried to jump out of the window when he heard country rap was still a thing.