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Shredding Guitarist Somehow Fucking Terrible at Fingering

ATLANTA — Local metal guy and Violet Wonder guitarist Jeff Glover is “fucking terrible” at pleasuring women with his hands despite his well-known abilities to “absolutely shred” on guitar, according to several frustrated and disappointed sources.

“I’ve always heard that thing that guitarists are good with their hands, if you know what I mean… but his skills in the bedroom were a total nightmare. It’s like he got all of his foreplay technique from a Steel Panther song or something,” said 23-year-old Renee Erickson, who “had a thing” with Glover for a couple of weeks last November. “I don’t think he actually knows they’re a parody band, but the influence really shows.”

Unfortunately for Glover, Violet Wonder’s most recent album, Monogamy Witchcraft, is also considered a flop. Critics called it “an affront to rock and roll,” “an aural colonoscopy,” and “a guitar solo wank album.”

“The whole time we hooked up, he kept asking me if I ‘like that,’” said Mari Camasta, whose relationship with Glover lasted just over a month. “I couldn’t tell if he was asking about the sex, or his shitty album — which he had playing in the background the entire time. I tried to tell him that the clit is actually located at the top, not the bottom, but after five minutes of digital thrashing, I gave up. It’s pretty clear the guy is more acquainted with a G minor than the G spot.”

According to bandmate and rhythm guitarist Leo Jimenez, Glover’s problem stems from his unwillingness to take direction.

“It’s like this: I keep telling him, man, when it comes to pleasing a woman you’ve gotta use your fret hand, not your pick hand — that’s where all the finger dexterity lies,” Jimenez explained. “That’s how the magic happens. But he just doesn’t listen. He can’t take criticism. And honestly, I think that insecurity is what sunk our last record.”

When asked whether her experience will deter her from dating musicians in the future, however, Erickson seemed open-minded.

“Look, I’m probably going to avoid guitarists in the future, but I feel like it might still be worth looking into harmonica players,” she said. “Magic Dick notwithstanding, why haven’t we heard anything about them?”

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