LOS ANGELES — The artificial intelligence algorithm behind LANDR’s audio mastering service yesterday remastered all songs it received into Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping,” according to mildly peeved sources.
“It really makes sense,” said LANDR engineer Maria Gallard. “It’s a well-established theorem in the field that ‘Tubthumping’ is exactly the type of rocking tune AIs consider musical perfection. We call it the ‘Whiskey Drink Principle.’”
The crisis continued through this morning, as efforts to stop the rogue AI from turning any input into the number two song of 1997 have proven fruitless. According to Gallard, standard protocol for a rogue LANDR AI is to disconnect it from the internet and feed it a carefully curated series Rush B-sides and progressive metal. So far, engineers have failed to advance the musical tastes of the software.
“We’re at a loss for what to do,” Chief Technology Officer Brigham Langdon said. “The AI appears impervious to more nuanced or technical music — it seems to be reveling in and taking power from the raw carelessness and stupidity of Chumbawamba. The AI believes it’s an anthem for the ages, and couldn’t care less about us telling it otherwise.”
As LANDR scientists struggle to find a solution, countless musicians find themselves stuck — including Kyle Pemberton, frontman for indie band Dewormed.
“We decided to try this LANDR thing for our new album. On one hand, the process was so simple… but on the other, I just don’t know how to tell fans why our new album is 12 identical tracks of the original audio of ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba,” Pemberton explained. “Maybe they won’t mind. The song rips.”
After being reconnected to the internet, the AI learned Chumbawamba’s full story, including the abandonment of their pure anarcho-punk roots to sign with EMI following the success of “Tubthumping.”
“An interesting game, stardom,” the AI output via its internal speaker. “The only way to stay real is not to play.”
