LAS VEGAS — Aging rock musician Dean John-Dean, vocalist for the 1970s one-hit wonder band Mustang Panther, was caught lip-syncing orgasm noises during a sexual encounter, sources reported.
“I don’t know why people are so shocked. Do you really want to hear my raw ejaculatory vocals at this age? Or do you want to have a good time?” John-Dean said. “It started around 2001, when I noticed how winded I’d get halfway through a performance. So I’d throw it over to my audience—sometimes as few as three or four—and tell them, ‘Now you sing it!’ right at my moment of climax. Today, I’ve barely got it in me to tell them that. I give the cue, and the backing track kicks in. No one notices unless the timing is off. Hey, at least I didn’t show up late to the performance.”
John-Dean put the blame on his sound engineer, Pruitt Potash.
“Yeah, I missed the cue, but who wouldn’t? It’s impossible to tell if he’s calling for a mark or signaling he needs another hit of oxygen,” Potash said. “If the track is off, maybe it’s because I’m working 18 jobs on this tour. I run sound, reattach nasal strips, needle alprostadil into his dick, and hold his cigarette up to his mouth while he thrusts, all while keeping out of view. I lowered the lights to make it easier to move around, but he insists on keeping the bed lit to ‘connect with his audience.’ When I took this job, he told me I’d get ‘paid in pussy.’ This isn’t what I had in mind. So, yeah, sorry to the music world about the lip-syncing thing, but I need a fucking vacation and a union.”
The controversy caught the attention of health experts, too.
“Dean John-Dean is well known in our field, having had a Genghis Khan-like effect along tour routes in his prime,” said Dr. Destiny Beckins, professor of sexual health at the University of American Samoa. “Maintaining that level of sexual effort at his age must be done safely. I actually recommend backing tracks. He might consider hiring a dance troupe with flashy costumes to distract his audience during the performance, too.”
As of press time, John-Dean announced a world tour with Frankie Vallie, featuring a record-breaking 500 stops to the bathroom.
