PHOENIX – Heavy metal icon and singer of Judas Priest Rob Halford reportedly received a final warning for riding his motorcycle inside his local Costco, startled sources rushing from his path confirmed.
“Frankly, we’ve been extremely lenient with Mr. Halford up until now,” said Tara Becker, general manager for the bulk-grocery chain’s Phoenix location. “While we certainly appreciate his business, we simply can no longer accept him slowly rolling his Harley Davidson into this store amidst smoke from machines he’s surreptitiously installed on either side of the door. The sound of him revving the engine alone is enough to frighten away our customers who are just trying to enjoy our myriad low prices on name-brand products. We’ll have no choice but to revoke his membership if he does this again.”
Halford expressed dismay at this treatment, but appeared resolute in not altering his behavior going forward.
“You don’t become a metal god by bowing down to every demand made to you by authority figures,” the singer scoffed while adjusting his signature jewel-bedazzled leather jacket and cabbie hat. “I’ve been riding my motorcycles on stage for decades to millions of Judas Priest fans, so I don’t see why Costco should be any different. Why should my monthly outing for groceries and cat food be any less epic than singing ‘Hell Bent for Leather’ to thousands of screaming metalheads?”
Cultural psychologist Jamaal Wilkins remarked that such an attitude is common amongst prolific musicians in the metal and punk genres.
“Mr. Halford is certainly no exception when it comes to this type of conduct,” said Wilkins. “There is a long history of artists carrying their on-stage antics into inappropriate settings. GG Allin was famously banned from all K-Mart locations for defecating on the floor in the electronics department, and Ben Weinman is no longer welcome in Guitar Center after climbing and immediately falling off a Marshall Stack display in a New Jersey store. Once one has spent years living concurrently as both a performer and an everyday citizen, it can become increasingly difficult to toggle between the two.”
“I have to add, though,” Wilkins concluded, “that those dweebs at Costco are totally overreacting. Priest rules.”
At press time, Halford was spared from further castigation when store employees were called to the Personal Care section to address a shirtless Iggy Pop cutting his chest open with a package of men’s razor blades.