BALTIMORE — A crowd surfer during a Cannibal Corpse show at Soundstage weirded out other concert attendees with his fully engorged penis, shuddering sources confirm.
“Those in the crowd are noting that this individual was completely erect during multiple stage dives,” correspondent Alan Krause reported from the scene. “I’ve noticed several people in the crowd with bewildered and disgusted looks on their faces after reaching up their hands to guide this man from the stage, and some of them have even left the area just in front of the stage, presumably to distance themselves from his rigid member. We have yet to learn why he is so aroused, but will be sure to follow-up and report the reason as soon as the information is made available to us.”
Thad Beauregard, who had been standing right in front of the stage, attested to the turgid state of the man’s hog.
“What the fuck, dude?” Beauregard said as he wiped his hands on his jeans. “Who gets a boner while crowdsurfing, and at a Cannibal Corpse show, no less? There are very few settings that seem less arousing to me than this one. I reached up when the guy dove during ‘Blunt Force Castration’ and my hand landed right on his stiffy. It was so awful that I immediately pulled my hand away. That’s the last time I go to the front of the crowd during a death metal show. I’ll just go back to thumping heads in the pit. At least there I’ll barely be able to notice if someone is inexplicably at full-mast.”
Kirk Van Dreesen, the man with the erection, didn’t see what the big deal was.
“So what if crowdsurfing at a Cannibal Corpse show gets me a little hot and bothered?” Van Dressen shrugged. “Nothing gets me going quite like blast beats, growled vocals spewing lyrics about torture and necrophilia, and the combined body odors of dozens of complete strangers. Man, that Dying Fetus show last week was so fucking erotic. I basically make the rounds from death metal show to death metal show, and I don’t even really listen to the music outside of that. I just go to get my jollies from crowdsurfing. Honestly, when I’m at home or at work I mainly just listen to adult contemporary and smooth jazz.”
At press time, Van Dreesen said he was only four or five stage dives away from climaxing.
