LOS ANGELES — Local wannabe scenester Jeremiah Buford is currently going through the soul crushing embarrassment of DMing a promoter for the address and details of a show, grimacing bystanders reported.
“Jesus Christ, this is so embarrassing. I’m a 34-year-old man with a corporate job, two kids, and $35,000 of student loan debt, why am I spending 30 minutes trying to perfectly craft a cheerful yet equally nonchalant message to figure out where the fuck this fuckass band is playing?” said a queasy Buford. “I feel sick to my stomach. What if the promoter takes one look at my Instagram profile and ghosts me? I’m deleting all my selfies from 2013 and dusting off my skateboard to post some reels of me skating so I look cool. Oh fuck, I don’t know if I should send this at 11:00 a.m.. Maybe I should wait until a cooler time like 11:03 a.m.”
The show’s promoter, Julien Costello, seemed irritated by the seemingly innocuous line of questioning.
“Yeah, bro. It’s honestly kind of pathetic how desperate some of these people are. Just because you’re a huge fan of this band, want to support the local scene, and have already paid $20 for a ticket doesn’t give you the right to know the address of the show. Like, get a fucking life idiot,” spat out Costello, ignoring their buzzing phone. “And honestly, it’s hard enough being a promoter. I’m responsible for spreading the word of the show. It’s not my job to make sure people know where the show is. Whatever, I’ll just set up an auto reply that’ll send out the address 20 minutes after the opener starts.”
The band playing the show in question, Bear Back, also expressed concerns with this weird ritual taking place in their scene.
“What the fuck are we even doing? Whose idea was it to gatekeep our shows when at our last show, there were more people smoking weed in the bathroom than in the crowd?” said a distraught Evan Ester. “Why are we being hush hush with the details? They don’t even tell us, the fucking band playing, where we gotta unload! Like, tonight, we just drove around this industrial area until we saw some dude smoking a cigarette on a metal chair and assumed we were in the right place.”
At press time, Costello announced his latest show through a series of cryptic crosswords, puzzles, and mazes on his Instagram page.
