SEATTLE — Local toddler Piper Huga brought pre-k class to a halt this week after counting to 2 then 4 with a very specific rhythm, sources regularly reported by the school for vagrancy confirmed.
“We’re shocked that Piper knew not only the numbers 1 through 4, but the rhythm in which to say them. We play a bunch of Bad Religion because we thought the big words would do a lot of the heavy lifting for us, so imagine our surprise when Ramones-style numbers came out of her mouth,” parent Cory Huga gushed while pouring apple juice into an empty beer can for his daughter’s afternoon snack. “We thought we’d have to homeschool due to the government’s full propagandization of the public education system, but at this point she knows more than we could ever teach. We’re just going to have to let her join a band and see where this crazy world takes her.”
Mike Socci, school music teacher and bassist in local metal band Pentagrandma’s Ashes, downplayed the excitement around the toddler’s new vocalization.
“She has a long way to go to earn the type of cred I’ve built in the scene. Sure, I still can’t join right on the 4, and sometimes our drummer only counts to 3, but we’ve paid our dues. Everyone is praising natural born talent over the hard work of practicing a few hours a month and having really loud amps,” Socci complained through puffs of a Juicy Fruit-flavored vape while supervising recess. “I’m sure she thinks being young will give her an edge, but I still have to grease some palms to get into most of the venues around here, so it’s safe to assume they’re all ages 50 and up.”
Fellow classmate Hunter Green seemed confused when asked about the prodigy.
“She’s always yelling out these numbers even when we’re supposed to be quiet coyotes. She scares me more than Mayor Humdinger from PawPatrol,” Green explained through babbles. “And she only wears black, so we had to learn a whole new color that isn’t even on the rainbow. I’m just glad I can’t read whatever the patches on her leather jacket say.”
At the time of publication, the four-year-old prodigy was seen bashing through a wall of toy blocks screaming, “It’s time to kick out the jams!”
