SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local hardcore outfit Prayer Grave started a preemptive GoFundMe to pay for the crippling debt they’ll one day incur from their inevitable van accident, sources close to the soon-to-be shit-out-of-luck band confirmed.
“Look, getting in a catastrophic van wreck is just part of paying your dues in the hardcore scene,” vocalist Donny Fagerbakke said. “Except we’re skipping the whole paying part and getting ahead of those dues with a proactive GoFundMe to ‘precoup’ our losses. We’ve already raised $40,000, which despite what the subreddits have claimed, was not spent on brand new gear or all the luxury hotels we’ve stayed at on tour.”
Longtime fan Jay Hamm didn’t hesitate to donate, but has some doubts.
“Prayer Grave are my boys, yo! I’d do anything for them. Even play bass,” Hamm said. “So I wanna make sure they’re financially set up for that unavoidable day when their shitty van cartwheels over a jersey barrier into oncoming traffic. I gotta be straight though. Their goal of $5 million dollars seems a bit steep, even with America’s broke-ass healthcare system. But I ain’t judging. I’m still raising money for them through some cuck play on my girl’s OnlyFans. It supports the band and the top donor wins a gig as their full-time van driver! How fire is that?!”
Dr. Merv Willoughby, head physician at Upstate Trauma Center and author of New York Times bestseller “Get In The Van Accident,” supports the precautionary crowdfunding.
“I’ve seen it all,” Willoughby said. “Femoral arteries tourniqueted with unsold band shirts. Bass players impaled by a Gibson Flying V. Bones sticking out of tattoos like goddamn Pinhead. The only thing I haven’t seen? A band with insurance. They always say, ‘My crew’s all the coverage I need!’ No, you need to eat and shit through a tube for the rest of your life. Think your split 7” with Integrity will foot that bill? Since most hardcore bands are touring around in a repurposed handi-van on bald tires during an ice storm in the middle of Fucksville, USA with the village merch table idiot behind the wheel, Prayer Grave’s preemptive GoFundMe is a refreshingly smart move for a bunch of dumb kids who make stupid music.”
At press time, Prayer Grave also started a second preemptive GoFundMe to offset Fagerbakke’s inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit fees.
