CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University’s Department of Psychology made a breakthrough discovery confirming that 97% of Millennials are programmed to stop right where they are and sing along to Blink-182’s “All the Small Things.”
“We began researching this phenomenon a few years ago amid an increase in traffic jams and vehicular manslaughter around Boston any time that song got airplay on FNX,” researcher Ashley Thomas explained. “Almost all Millennials simply enter a trance and lose motor function, aside from the muscles required to screech along to the song. The problem is, their cars don’t stop with them. That’s why we urge all Millennials to avoid operating heavy machinery while listening to Spotify-assembled nostalgic pop punk playlists just in case.”
Millennials everywhere are finally feeling seen due to this groundbreaking revelation.
“I’m, like, totally relieved,” explained local 38-year-old Chris Haskell. “I kept randomly blacking out and not knowing where I was or what I’d been doing for the last two minutes and 48 seconds. And I would always text my friend ‘Na na na na na na na na na na’ during the blackouts. Plus I’m like being sued for rolling over this woman’s dog so I’m kind of hoping this helps my case. No one said it would, but you never know.”
Sociologist Erica Nachum was able to shed some light on what might have led to this phenomenon.
“Millennial Child Development is a fast growing field for a reason,” said Nachum. “Sure, now they’re all adults struggling with the economy collapsing every time they reach a new stage in life, but the bigger issue is the unique struggles they faced as children in the ‘90s. It was a big time for subliminal messaging in art and advertisement. It’s not uncommon for a Millennial mother to automatically say ‘Got Milk?’ whenever her baby needs a feeding, or for a 35-year-old to go into a trance and yell ‘Where’s the beef?!’ if their UberEats order is wrong. We’re even seeing evidence that a small but noticeable subset of this generation may have been forced into blood oaths with their Tamagotchis. So it’s no surprise to me that ‘All the Small Things’ is, in fact, causing all the big things.”
At press time, a local Millennial was unable to leave her trance after texting the words “work sux” until someone promised they would leave roses by the stairs to let her know they care.