LOS ANGELES — A guy overheard talking outside of a local coffee shop refused to shut the fuck up about being vegan and also about being notable dance musician Moby, irritated sources report.
“Yeah, dude, we get it,” said bystander Craig Woolburn. “You take umbrage with the raising of animals for human consumption and also you want everybody to know that you’ve sold 20 million albums worldwide. Like, we all understand that factory farming is horrific and humanity needs to find more humane and less environmentally destructive ways to feed itself, and also that you’re one of the most important figures in popular dance music from the ‘90s, but some of us are just trying to go about our day. Also, this is Los Angeles. I promise you that a lot of people you’re preaching to are already vegan and aware of your contribution to popular music.”
Moby provided his side of the story.
“I just feel that, as Moby, I need to use my platform to inform the public and stand up for what’s right, as well as tell people about how influential of an artist I am,” Moby said while getting a tattoo on the side of his neck that said ‘I’m Moby.’ “Did you know that livestock production accounts for 18 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions, and also that contemporary electric artists all see me as a significant influence, not to mention producers? I mean, I haven’t even touched upon the moral problems with us forcing dairy cows away from their offspring so we can use their milk for our coffee and cereal, and also just how profoundly I’ve shaped dance music into what it is today. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t call people’s attention to these things.”
Nearby vegan Shandra Coleman was irritated by what she was overhearing.
“Alright, this guy is definitely not helping,” Coleman complained. “All I hear from non-vegans is how annoying vegans are, and this guy is just out here perpetuating stereotypes. Not all of us are obnoxious and preachy artists with multiple MTV Music Video Awards. The vast majority of vegans are normal people who aren’t notable DJs and producers who just want to live their lives as they see fit without bothering others about their choices. I really hope this guy shuts the fuck up and leaves everyone alone.”
At press time, Moby was joined by another vegan who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about being Morrissey.
