COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa — Music critic Sophie McKennitt brutally lambasted her mother’s cooking during a recent visit home, according to stunned cousins.
“As a child who knew no better, I found my mother’s cooking to be adequate,” said McKennitt while downing kimchi in an effort to cleanse her palate. “It was utilitarian and bland, but served its purpose. However, after I moved out and got to experience all that global food culture had to offer, I was able to see my mom’s cooking for the tedious swill it is. Last night she made tuna noodle casserole, which was utterly pedestrian and uninspired. This woman thinks paprika is too adventurous. Her cooking fails to provide even the barest minimum in terms of flavor while contributing nothing to the greater culinary conversation. Do better, mom.”
Mrs. McKennitt was blindsided by her daughter’s harsh critique, but took it in stride.
“I don’t know what Sophie is talking about,” she said while scooping American chop suey into stained Tupperware. “She used to love my cooking—but I guess she’s broadened her horizons since moving to the big city and getting a job at that fancy magazine. I admit that her father and I like to keep things simple. We’ve never even had sushi—that’s raw fish! I do have one question for Sophie, though: If my cooking is so offensive, why’d you ask for seconds? I’ll allow her to publicly proclaim that she’s above casserole, pork chops and meatloaf, but I know the truth. A clean plate doesn’t lie.”
Film critic Francis Arnold warns that people in this trade need to be careful not to allow their work to permeate their home life.
“In our profession, there’s a strong temptation to criticize anything and everything we experience,” said Arnold. “But I quickly learned that if I wanted to maintain relationships with friends and family, I better keep my mouth shut. My advice? If someone invites you to their concert or film screening or even cooks you dinner, your best bet is to react with vague praise, offer some platitudes and quickly get out of there. Later, you can shit all over them in a private text group with your colleagues.”
At press time, McKennitt had turned her critical eye upon her boyfriend’s new mustache, which she deemed a “pitiable, misguided stab at aspirational masculinity.”