HERSHEY, Pa. — Veteran band Phish announced their next song which would feature no more than five words followed by a “jam session” that could last up to 30 minutes, bewildered sources reported.
“Fans who follow us around the country have come to expect this kind of structure at our gigs,” said frontman Trey Anastasio, who unfortunately studied musical composition in college. “We don’t aim to please the audience but to ‘find’ something in the midst of a jam. It’s like deep-diving into the ocean, and we don’t know where we’re going, but we’re feeling it out together. That’s the magic of Phish. We lead our audiences into uncharted depths. Sometimes we wake up playing each other’s instruments. It’s like a communal dream. A dream that has almost no lyrics.”
Not all fans were so enthusiastic about experiencing this “journey” in real time.
“Very early on I got sucked into a vortex of aimless, drug-induced ‘jams’ that seem to have no beginning, middle, or end. At one point I asked my friend when the first song would be over, and he said this was the fourth song. I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’” said new Phishhead Janet Turek. “Look, I really enjoyed the beginning of the show, where the guitar player sang a catchy lyric, and I was hoping to hear it again, you know, like in a real song? But they just drifted off into a world of trampolines and hotdogs. Would it kill them to have a distinct verse and chorus so I can follow along?”
Grateful Dead guitarist Bob Weir weighed in on the insufferable “jam” phenomenon, arguing that it isn’t all Phish’s fault.
“It’s pretty mean what we put fans through, sticking a crowd with such netless, structureless jams for 20 to 30 minutes,” said Weir, who’s also played in the band RatDog. “But I can only see that now, years later. Phish doesn’t know what a mess they’re in or how boring and self-indulgent it is—and Christ knows their fans aren’t helping. They’re just as susceptible to getting lost as the band. For new fans of jam bands, it helps to get high in the parking lot beforehand.”
At press time, Turek was relieved to hear the song was finally ending but enraged to learn it was only dipping into a fermata before heading into the dreaded a-cappella section.